By REG HENRY, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette

When I was kid, many TV shows and films at the cinema were Westerns, and to this day I cannot think of family entertainment without thinking of horses and cattle. Sometimes I moo just to get into a G-rated frame of mind.

Comrades, when the dreaded socialism descends on America courtesy of the Obama administration -- which, by the way, is the most ridiculous delusion to sweep the land since the Y2K scare -- I hope team sports become mandatory.

Some of you may have wondered how I've stayed sane in the last weeks of the presidential election campaign, assuming, of course, you think I was ever sane, a point of contention in some circles.

In the standard metaphor of the presidential election race, it is the candidates who are said to be running. My friends, to borrow John McCain's phrase because soon he will not be needing it, we are all runners.

U.S. Rep. John Murtha, the Democrat from Johnstown, Pa, who is the sugar plum fairy for the defense contracting community, said recently of the presidential election that people in this part of the country are racist, especially the older population who are "more hesitant."

I am sorry to burden you, but this is fair notice that I will be sending out morality/patriotism questionnaires to all my friends. I do not want to be blindsided in the future and accused of guilt by association, which is the trendy thing this presidential campaign season.

We interrupt this global financial crisis for a news bulletin that is more important, at least to me: My daughter is getting married.

On behalf of the National Society for Creative Irresponsibility, of which I am a charter member, I wish to congratulate the Bush administration for the projected $700 billion bailout of the Wall Street wheeler-dealer community.

As a change of pace, today's column will adopt a more even-handed approach to the coming presidential election.

Instead of criticizing just one camp, I will try to spread the love around concerning the trademark candidacies of Republicans John McCain ("Yesterday's Man for Tomorrow's Problems") and Sarah Palin ("A Moose in Every Pot").

You are probably wondering how you too can join in the veneration of Saint Sarah Palin, who in a very short time has attracted a large and faithful following.

Admittedly, she has not been officially beatified, but miracles have been reported across the country.