When people talk about holiday feel-good movies, they generally make the mistake of assuming you feel good already.
But it's the day after Thanksgiving and maybe you don't feel good.
So maybe you don't want to see that heartwarming movie about the perfect Thanksgiving when Dad comes home unexpectedly from Korea, and everyone goes out caroling at the first snow of the season and gives a free turkey to those poor and previously misunderstood foreigners ... No, you're in no mood for that one.
Likewise, you don't want to sit through that beautiful foreign film about the retired watchmaker with failing eyesight who gardens all day and then sits on the porch at night, regaling the simpleminded neighborhood children with his imaginary exploits as a pirate ... And then he dies on Christmas Day, of course, and it's all supposed to be inspirational. But it's not.
These holiday movies do not exist -- I made them up -- and yet don't you feel as though you've seen them anyway? You know: Dad loses his job on Christmas Eve, but he doesn't tell Mom, as he spends his last dime on the Christmas goose. And then the next day, as he's pretending to be heading for work, a jolly bloke to whom he once did a good turn runs into him on a London street and says, "Blimey, it's Joe, alive and in the flesh!" And this friend -- the one he once pulled out of a riptide -- insists that Joe manage his gold mine. So the two go off talking about it, receding into long shot, as the theme music plays and the credits role.
The problem with holiday movies like these is that they require that you feel good already, so distanced from the near-disasters that the characters are experiencing that you're willing to see both their sadness and happiness, not as things personal to them, but as part of the whole panorama of life.
Take "A Christmas Carol." It's cathartic if you identify with Scrooge and think, "Yes, I must be nicer. I must look out for selfish tendencies in my nature." And it's totally fine if you identify with Scrooge's nephew and think, "Why is he inviting his crabby old uncle to dinner, anyway?"
But what if you're abused at work? What if you're worried about losing your job? What if you're concerned about your children's health care? In that frame of mind, you're bound to watch "A Christmas Carol" wondering whether you're just one pair of lousy sideburns away from becoming Bob Cratchit. And, needless to say, you will not "feel good" about that.
With this in mind, I've prepared the following list of alternative feel-good films, tailored to people's individual concerns. The hope is that these films will make people feel, if not good, at least a little better.
If you're feeling insecure and in need of a nasty laugh at someone else's expense: Try Barbra Streisand in "The Mirror Has Two Faces," which is not just a bad movie, but the platonic ideal of bad.
If you just want to laugh: (and don't care about respecting yourself in the morning) ... Try "Blades of Glory."
If you're missing the old days: Try Fellini's "Amarcord." His memories won't be specific to yours, but the types are universal. Or you can try "Cinema Paradiso" -- also Italian. Just stay away from the director's cut, which is bad.
On the other hand, if you're specifically missing the 1960s, try "A Hard Day's Night"; the 1970s, try "Almost Famous"; or the 1980s, try either "Flashdance" or "Pretty in Pink."
If you're disliked by your significant other's family: Try "In Name Only," in which Carole Lombard is disliked by the family of her boyfriend (Cary Grant). The story ultimately arrives in a very satisfying place.
If your father is a tyrant (and you have to spend the holiday with him): Try "The Barretts of Wimpole Street" (1934), in which the awful Daddy (Charles Laughton) is subverted ... Along the same line, if your father is an absolute monster, "Downfall," with Bruno Ganz as Hitler, will do the trick.
If you feel that family life is meaningless: See "About Schmidt," with Jack Nicholson, a film that's so pessimistic that it's liberating.
If you just want to tune out the whole holiday: Watch a very, very long movie. Two good ones, which will also leave you feeling pretty upbeat: "The Best of Youth," which is six hours long, and the Russian "War and Peace" from 1968, which clocks in at seven hours and seven minutes. Watch them back-to-back.
If you've just been divorced and you're not happy about it: Try Bergman's "Scenes From a Marriage," preferably the five-hour version, though you still get credit for the 167-minute version. I know a woman who was depressed about her divorce for a full year. And then one Christmas Day, alone and in a city far away from friends and family, she went to see "Scenes From a Marriage" and was cured of her depression. She said that realizing that other people were going through the exact same thing made her feel as though she hadn't been targeted by the universe, that the emotional calamity she had endured was about as unique as getting the flu: really miserable, but really common, and almost always survivable.
If your guest of honor doesn't show up: Try "Big Night." It happens to the guys in the movie, and they get through it.
If you have to work as a servant or a domestic over the holiday: Try "La Ceremonie" or "Murderous Maids," both from France. The French are tuned into the whole class-struggle thing in a very flamboyant way. Remember that revolution they had?
If you went to Thanksgiving dinner and your hosts turned out to be (oh no!) vegans: Try the documentary "Food, Inc." Twenty minutes into that movie, and your appetite for meat -- at least factory-farmed meat -- will be a thing of the past.
Finally ...
If you can't sleep and want to watch a funny but strangely soothing comedy in the middle of the night: Try either W.C. Fields in "It's a Gift" or Jack Benny in "The Horn Blows at Midnight." I know they work, because I've tried them myself.
If you're feeling a perverse need to subvert the holiday spirit: Try "Rambo." Also, "Independence Day."
If you dread seeing your highly accomplished and overbearing mother: Ingmar Bergman's "Autumn Sonata" will satisfy, because she can't possibly be more intimidating than Ingrid Bergman in this film. Likewise, if you're a mom and dreading seeing an adult daughter who resents you, watching a sniveling Liv Ullmann might amuse you.
(E-mail Mick LaSalle at mlasalle(at)sfchronicle.com.)
(Distributed by Scripps Howard News Service, www.scrippsnews.com.)
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