Cheap Shots - a blog returns

The dashing Patrick Swayze

After a long three-year hiatus, this blog returns under a new clever name. And believe us, we have a lot say, mostly about sports.

But we would be insensitive not to honor the passing of an American acting legend -- Patrick Swayze -- who died of pancreatic cancer at 57 yesterday. In case you haven't noticed, there is a huge gender gap when remembering the career of cheesy but appealing Swayze, a poor man's James Caan if you will.

Women gravitate in droves toward Swayze's two biggest mainstream hits, the annoying but tolerable "Dirty Dancing'' or the insufferable "Ghost.'' On the other hand, men prefer Swayze's more macho turns such as "Point Break,'' "Road House'' or "Uncommon Valor.'' There is common ground as both men and women recoil in horror at the thought of his cross-dressing debacle "To Wong Foo, thanks for everything Julie Newmar.''

With that in mind, we offer a critical military analysis of Swayze's crowning achievement, the 1984 Cold War, paramilitary-survival classic "Red Dawn,'' done PBS "Battlefield'' style. With Swayze in charge, World War III was indeed in the bag.

BATTLE LINE

OPPOSING FORCES:

_ Couple of regiments to brigade-sized elements of Cuban Soviet invasion force. Why such a large force descends on such a strategically insignifcant small Midwest town is unclear. Soviet-Cuban forces are backed by artillery, armoured vehicles, helicoptors, tanks and planes.

_ Roughly a dozen WOLVERINES, the nickname of the local high school which could be named after Teddy Roosevelt considering one of his quotes is on the front of the school. Wolverines have no previous combat experience and in their last pressure situation _ they lost a key football game to their rival school _ as proven by the Eckert brothers conversation at the start of the film. Throughout the film, convetional U.S. forces are seen fighting the Soviet-Cuban forces, but it is unclear if they actually provide any logistical or supplies to the Wolverines. Perhaps the Wolverines could team operations with other high schools. Perhaps the SPARTANS, TIGERS or whoever vanquished them in the football game the Eckerts discuss at the beginning. Again, this is not made clear.

WEAPONS

Soviet-Cuban forces seem well equipped with state-of-the-art AK-47 assault rifles, machine guns, grenades, mortars, etc. Why they simply cannot use this weaponry effectively is curious. The WOLVERINES weapons are initally somewhat laughable, ranging from 30-odd-6 hunting rifles to shotguns to handguns to bows and arrows and knives. Their weapons capability increases greatly throughout the film by seizing Soviet-Cuban arms.

As previously stated, the Russian-Cubans have a sizable advantage as far as transportation is concerned. The WOLVERINES are initally seen fleeing the town in a late-model pick-up truck _ one that runs out of water in the radiator and somebody has to urinate into the coolant system to keep the engine moving. Hardly an ideal situation.

LEADERS

The Cuban-Soviet feadership ranges from the thoughtful, determined Col. Ernesto Bella, a Cuban commander who seems to quickly understand the difficult task of occupying a town while battling a guerilla-style insurgency, to the comically-inept Gen. Bratchenko, who initially dismisses the WOLVERINES but only adds fuel to their fire with frequent massacre-style reprisals for WOLVERINE attacks. This guy makes Saddam Hussein look like Gen. Patton. Eventually, the Russians bring in Col. Strelnikov, some kind of guerilla-fighting expert who may have gotten experience in Afghanistan or someplace else. He is huge step above Bratchenko but still clashes with Bella, who by the end is reduced to writing disillusioned, weepy letters home to his wife, some Castro-socialite I presume.

The WOLVERINES are expertly led by Jed Eckert, some kind of local blue-collar worker who was a football hero several years earlier. He rules by iron fist _ only occaisonally clashing with his younger brother Matt _ but quickly masters ambush tactics and is a natural commander. He gets additional polish and insight when Lt. Col. Andew Tanner parachutes in after being shot down in a dogfight. Tanner leads an impressively destructive attack against a Soviet-Cuban detention center in an old drive-in theater. How exactly this attack was so successful is puzzling in that Eckert and his troops are confused by Tanner's use of basic military terms such as "flank'' "suppressing'' and "defilade.'' Tanner is eventually killed in a clash with Soviet T-72 tank, but only after taking out the commie crew inside.

TACTICS

After initially overwhelming feeble opposition and occupying the town, the Cuban-Russians don't seem to have any tactics. They constantly wander into one WOLVERINE ambush after another with no recourse but random massacres of civilans as reprisals. Much of the blame falls on Bratchenko, but truthfully, Strelnikov doesn[t do much better simply fighting the WOLVERINES to a draw, but killing several of them along the way. Yet it always takes like several tanks or helicoptors or a company of troops to kill just one WOLVERINE. This manpower ratio simply doesn't favor the occupying force.

The Wolverines quickly become experts at setting an ambush. They constantly surprise their befuddled occupiers, unleashing torrents of small-arms fire and lethal grenade and rocket attacks. When fighting on their terms, the WOLVERINES never actually sustained any losses _ unless you include Jeb Eckert for ordering the execution of Darryl, the son of the town's mayor for violating his order, going into town, getting caught and the Russian-Cubans torturing him and implanting a homing device inside him.

OUTCOME

Before his death, Tanner seems to outline a World War III scenario that had settled into a stalemate. He talks of a seige in Denver and a nuclear exchange between the Chinese and Russians that kills 400 million Chinese. Now the radioactive fallout alone from such an exchange would likely wipe out mankind, but that's beside the point. By refusing to surrender to occupation and fighting the Russian-Cubans to a standstill despite overwhelming odds, the WOLVERINES obviously emerge as tactical winners _ though it isn't clear if their resistence really meant anything militarily to the overall war. Post-war war crime trials would surely loom for Bratchenko's constant reprisal massacres and perhaps for Eckert, who also executed a Russian prisoner when Darryl was killed, but he is presumed dead with his brother in the park in a scene near the end of the movie.

OVERALL ADVANTAGE WOLVERINES