ShareThisWhen college student Kelsey Quickstad went to Spain to study for a semester, she rarely used the phone to call her parents in the San Francisco Bay Area.
She didn't have to. They communicated almost daily by Web cam, Skype's Internet telephone service or instant message.
"I talk to my parents a lot and I use almost every technology to stay in touch with them," Bates, a fourth-year business major at California Polytechnic State University-San Luis Obispo, said in an e-mail. "I use my cell phone for calling as well as texting. My dad and I still use the Skype IM thing to keep in touch."
With many high-school graduates gearing up to leave home for college, families are trying to figure out how to best stay in touch using technology. It offers more options than ever -- and potential pitfalls.
"It is sort of a temptation to overcommunicate because it's so easy," said Karen Levin Coburn, co-author of the book "Letting Go: A Parent's Guide to Understanding the College Years."
Indeed, recent research indicates this "electronic tether" can hamper a student's development.
In the past, a high-school graduate would go on to college and have infrequent contact with parents because the choices might be limited to "snail" mail, a dorm-room phone or a campus visit.
That forced students "to learn to turn to people other than your parents," said Barbara Hofer, a psychology professor at Middlebury College in Vermont. "It's part of growing up, part of becoming an independent person."
But the expectations of instant, pervasive communication between parent and child have increased as mobile phones and computers have become almost required gear for students of all ages.
According to a study headed by Hofer, college students now have some contact with their parents an average of 13.4 times per week -- almost twice a day. Cell-phone calls remained the most frequently used technology, followed by e-mail. Text messaging is quickly increasing.
Students who communicated more frequently with home reported "really great relationships with their parents," Hofer said. But they also tended to be less autonomous, "the ones who procrastinate more and are less satisfied with their college experience."
Both Hofer and Coburn said the frequency of contact isn't necessarily the main issue. The problems come from parents trying to control the student's decision-making process, such as deciding which courses to take or solving problems with teachers or friends.
Coburn, a senior consultant and former assistant vice chancellor at Washington University in St. Louis, said she remembers counseling one woman about potential courses. The student said, "Let me text my dad and see."
That instance, Coburn said, illustrated why parents and students need to ask: "Is this communication with the parent going to foster independence and confidence in making decisions or is it going to inhibit it?"
It's too easy for students to reach for their cell phones when they are upset over a bad grade or a personal relationship. For parents, "maybe you don't always have to take the call," Hofer said. Students need to learn "not to just keep blowing off steam" and expecting parents to fix problems.
Quickstad's mother, Barbara Bates, enjoys the fact that she can send a text to her daughter "and she gets it right on her iPhone." Lately, they've used Facebook's instant chat feature to communicate.
But Bates is wary of becoming a "helicopter parent," one who hovers over offspring. She wants her two daughters "to be independent and self survivors and figure it out by themselves. But I also love knowing what's going on in their lives."
Though Quickstad accepted her parents' "friend requests," "I have adjusted my privacy settings so they can't see everything on my Facebook and everything I am doing while I am away at school," she said.
Coburn said parents "have very different views" about using social media to keep tabs: "Some say that's just like stalking your kid, while others say, 'Well, my child said it was OK.' "
What's the best way for parents and students to keep each other in the loop without going overboard? Experts urge families to talk face-to-face about how much communication each side wants or expects.
As for parents, "I think it's OK to call and say 'I really miss you,' " Coburn said.
Tips for parents:
-- Discuss which technology tool works best for both of you. It should be convenient and not intrusive.
-- Reach an understanding on the frequency of communication.
-- If you use Facebook or another social-networking site, don't be put off if your child blocks you from certain content.
-- Although today's technology makes it easier than ever to stay connected, do your best to let go and let them grow.
(E-mail Benny Evangelista at bevangelista(at)sfchronicle.com.)
(Distributed by Scripps Howard News Service, www.scrippsnews.com.)
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