ShareThisHello and welcome back to "The Actual Bachelor," the show in which 10 lovely young ladies compete for the affections of a genuine unmarried man.
In today's episode, two contestants will join "The Actual Bachelor" in yet another common bachelor activity. These lucky ladies will have the time of their lives, a day to remember, and a great deal of fried food and beer.
It's Saturday morning and the beautiful brides-to-be are heading for our bachelor's abode. The stunning Royal Oaks Efficiency Apartments spares no expense for the contestants, with plastic folding chairs and fresh hose water awaiting their arrival. The ladies arrive one by one and take their seats while our bachelor sleeps one off.
Viewers will remember that only yesterday, contestant Julie was eliminated when the bachelor presented Erin with the first empty beer can. Theirs was a delightful double date of wings and darts, but in the end Julie could not hold her share of cheap light brew, let alone our bachelor's fickle affections.
Several hours pass before the bachelor's steadily barking dog rouses him from sleep. He greets his women with a yawn. He must choose two contestants for today's romantic activity. Bending to the floor, he gathers two soiled undershirts, offering one to Jamie and another to Sarah. The remaining ladies will be returning to the clubhouse for the day.
Granted entrance to his sanctuary, Jamie and Sarah stumble through a labyrinth of empty pizza boxes and video-game accessories. They are greeted by the cold wet nose of our bachelor's best four-legged friend, who is hastily ushered to the porch.
These two young women are in for a representative afternoon of life with the bachelor. Today's date will be enjoyed as all Saturday afternoons are enjoyed -- with sugared cereal and sports highlights. Let's see who can feign the most interest in Tiger's second-round performance while shoveling spoonfuls of marshmallows and puffed rice.
Sarah has made a dreadful "Actual Bachelor" mistake -- examination of the upholstery. But it looks as though she has mastered her gag reflex and soldiered on through her 2 o'clock breakfast.
The phone rings and our contestants must keep quiet as the bachelor explains to his mother that no, he is not employed, no, he is not dating, and no, he does not want to be set up. The ladies can rest easy knowing it could be years before they meet Mama Bachelor in person.
The highlights are over and it looks as though our bachelor has already made his decision. Jamie may have washed out her cereal bowl with the best of intentions, but Sarah made the right decision in leaving hers on the stereo with the others. She will take home the prized empty beer can today.
In just a moment we'll share a preview of our next episode, where the bachelor and his dates enjoy a candelit meal. Only the Actual Bachelor could turn a blown fuse, 2-day-old takeout and a card table into an evening of potential romance.
Things could even take a turn for the bedroom. Will they find the mattress beneath all those towels and gym shorts? Tune in next week to find out.
(Ben Grabow writes for the young, the urban and the easily amused. Contact him at thinlyread(at)gmail.com.)
(Distributed by Scripps Howard News Service, http://www.scrippsnews.com)
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