Thoughts at large:
-- I've missed this whole Jonas Brothers thing.
-- When a state uses its federal stimulus allotment to pay off its own budget deficit, doesn't that defeat the purpose?
-- It's getting crowded in space when two satellites collide. What is this, the freeway at rush hour?
-- Great, just when I discover the Saturn, GM shuts the brand down.
-- My goal in life is to one day be famous enough to have my head on a Pez dispenser.
-- Somehow, it's not as satisfying as you hope it will be to hang up on a recorded telemarketing call.
-- Sign of the times: Walgreens is advertising -- almost in the same upbeat tone as for shaving cream -- "At Home" tests for cocaine, marijuana, meth and steroids.
-- There needs to be a support group for people guilty of never sending in the paperwork for rebates.
-- What does it say about men that, after a dozen seasons of ABC's "The Bachelor," there hasn't been a single wedding?
-- A Federal Reserve official recently said we are in a "Godzilla" of recessions. Gee, that's going to help consumer confidence.
-- Are there other dads who feel their family only keeps them around because they pay for things and take the photos?
-- More proof of anti-male discrimination in society: I recently got stopped for speeding, and something told me it wouldn't help to bat my eyes at the cop.
-- As soon as people around me come down with colds, I turn into a Purell freak.
-- Is it true that if a size-4 woman gains enough weight to need size-6 pants, she fools herself into thinking it hasn't happened by refusing to buy the size 6's?
-- I saw a sign that said "We have Kodak film" and got to thinking there's hope, but then saw the store's name was "A Step Back in Time."
-- I'm convinced restaurants have a conspiracy to keep the lights low enough and the print small enough so you can't read the menu without magnifiers.
-- A reader, observing that Barbie has just turned 50, asks if that means she'll be getting a colonoscopy.
-- Until my son's buddies did it the other day, I had no idea a standard prank is to envelope a friend's car in Saran Wrap. They spent almost three hours doing it. The standard teen-age boy is an idiot.
-- You have to love the name "Octomom."
-- Some people fantasize about being president, king or emperor. My goal is commissioner. I just like that word.
-- Actually, even more, I want to be pasha, because then I think your underlings have to fan you with palm fronds.
-- People talk about the Dollar Store as a symbol of cheap stuff, but we used to have the dime store, so it almost sounds like things are out of reach.
-- Honestly ... does anyone think those tiny stirring sticks at coffee shops mix in more than 7 percent of the sugar?
-- I'm considering telling my wife I want another child so we can pre-board at airports.
-- When paying for a traffic violation online, I went to a site called courtpayments.com, put in my summons number and was told to click a button if I wanted to "Purchase the above item." Is that what they now call paying a ticket?
-- And when I finished paying, it said, "For Frequent Shoppers, we recommend that you create an account." Frequent shoppers?
-- Why does the slogan "as seen on TV" make everyone think the product's better?
-- God was in the zone when he created fruit, but slightly off his game on vegetable day.
And finally:
-- A friend's idea on solving the economic crisis: Everyone puts that big jar they have full of coins on the curb, government trucks pick them all up and we pay down our trillion-dollar debt.
(E-mail Mark Patinkin at mpatinkin(at)projo.com.)
(Distributed by Scripps Howard News Service, www.scrippsnews.com.)
Must credit The Providence JournalColumn
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