ShareThisThe search for happiness has quickly become the most popular subject in psychology. I guess a whole bunch of people have decided it's not OK to just feel OK --and, with apologies, that's just not OK.
Look. No one can be happy all the time; it just isn't possible unless you live in a bubble or are delusional. Don't get me wrong. There are many people who are happy most of the time, and that's great. But no one should be pressured to feel happy every moment.
Sometimes there are good reasons to feel bad: a breakup, financial or professional losses, and physical or emotional illness, to name a few. Loss hurts, and if you force yourself to put on a happy face, you may actually be taking energy away from your healing process.
If you don't let your negative feelings out appropriately, they will emerge somehow and it may not be in a manner you'd prefer. When you can no longer hide your pain by keeping yourself busy or by being a party animal, you have to face it so you can heal. And most of the time that process is usually somewhat arduous.
There are great thinkers like Thomas Moore, author of "Care of the Soul," who tell us how to grow from our pain and loneliness. I like the concept, but when you're so distressed, growing as a person isn't No. 1 on your to-do list. Most people going through an emotionally difficult time are using all their energy just to function.
When you're in pain, it can be an effort to go to the store, and being happy about it is way out of the realm of possibility. But so what? It's perfectly normal to feel down when your life takes you there. These periods can last anywhere from two weeks to a month. (If it goes on any longer, or if at any time you entertain the idea of doing harm to yourself or another, you do need to get professional help immediately.)
The thing that is important for you to know is that you are not weak, wrong or bad if you're not feeling at the top of your game. Human beings are emotional, and the sooner you get that, the easier it will be to deal with all the feelings that come your way.
Good or bad, we all have feelings. Sometimes you can choose when and where to tune into your emotions, but every now and then, you are gonna get blasted by something so painful that you will not have the ability to push it down. When that happens, you need to give yourself permission to respond like the real person you are and be OK with feeling emotionally uncomfortable. It's the quickest way to heal the pain in your life.
(Dr. Barton Goldsmith, a marriage and family therapist in Westlake Village, Calif., is the author, most recently, of "Emotional Fitness for Intimacy." E-mail him at Barton(at)BartonGoldsmith.com.)
EMOTIONAL FITNESS
