I saw that Barack Obama's "body man," who takes care of the president's moment-to-moment needs, is a former Duke basketball star named Reggie Love. He does everything from carrying Obama's briefcase to keeping him on schedule, and clearly, at that close range, he is party to the great crises of the nation.
It must be a fascinating job. Even more so, it must be nice to be president and have such an aide. I got to wondering how my body man would spend his time were I to have one. I pictured the log he'd hand in after the first hour of taking care of the daily things I usually do myself.
6:35 a.m.: Wake up MP and turn on shower to warm up water.
6:38 a.m.: Use plunger to unclog shower drain, which has chronic backup problem.
6:40 a.m.: Turn on light in room of son, 17, prompting him to say from under quilt, "What's your problem?"
6:42 a.m.: Go into room of son, 15, trip over two damp towels left on rug.
6:46 a.m.: Plunge stopped-up toilet in boys' bathroom.
6:49 a.m.: Head to kitchen to find seven dirty glasses on counter inches from dishwasher door. Put in dishwasher.
6:52 a.m.: Pick up two open chip bags from ottoman, close and return to cupboard.
6:53 a.m.: Open fridge to see someone left carton of chocolate ice cream in there instead of freezer.
6:54 a.m.: Go to basement to bring up change of clothes from boys' hampers, which they've been told for weeks to carry upstairs, but haven't.
6:57 a.m.: Pause in basement bathroom and plunge stopped-up toilet.
6:59 a.m.: Open washing machine to move load only to find felt-tip pen in pants pocket marked every item with blue ink.
7 a.m.: Grab three crumpled soda cans from pool-table pockets, and half-eaten mac-and-cheese plate from surface-felt.
7:01 a.m.: On way back up, trip on boys' sneakers left on stairway landing.
7:03 a.m.: Report back to kitchen where MP is looking for his cell phone and can't find it.
7:05 a.m.: Call MP's cell phone from house phone; it turns up in pocket of coat he is wearing.
7:07 a.m.: Son, 17, calls downstairs to see if anyone has seen his wallet. Check car 17-year-old uses, and find wallet under four McDonald's bags on floor of passenger side.
7:08 a.m.: Back in kitchen, tell son, 17, wallet recovered. Son nods distantly while staring down at something half-hidden in his hand.
7:09 a.m.: Repeat to son, 17, that wallet recovered. Son looks up from texting to say, "What's up? Oh. Great. Thank you very much."
7:10 a.m.: Tell son to comb hair. Hear son report he does not own comb or brush, and has not used either in many months. He proceeds instead to use fingers as comb.
7:11 a.m.: Walk family's border-collie mix in city woods across street from home; continue back to house as dog lags allegedly on some scent, which is a fraud so it can continue to stay outside.
7:13 a.m.: Call dog at doorway in increasingly shrill voice until neighbors stare. Watch as dog trots after another fictitious scent.
7:14 a.m.: Retrieve box of biscuits and shake loudly outside doorway. Dog immediately runs back inside to get one.
7:15 a.m.: Go to turn on "Today" show to let MP watch morning news, but see no remote in sight. For fourth morning in row, check behind couch seat cushions, only to come up with a half Oreo, two pens and a rawhide bone.
7:18 a.m.: Turn on TV manually, to find no cable signal. Head upstairs to home office to sift through huge pile of backed-up bills to discover a shut-off warning from Cox Cable; head back down pondering if bills left alone mate and multiply.
7:19 a.m.: Pause on stairs to wonder if that visible phone bill really said one of the children sent 5,396 text messages last month.
7:20 a.m.: Advise son, 15, it's 10 degrees outside, and he should wear something heavier than a short-sleeve shirt. Son dismisses comment with the phrase, "It's straight," while texting at his side.
7:21 a.m.: Ask both boys which one left a blue felt-tip pen in pocket of pants tossed down laundry shoot. Identical response from each: "It wasn't me."
7:23 a.m.: Tell boys to put plates in sink and wash hands. Watch as they dry hands on pants.
7:25 a.m.: Bring newspaper and coffee to MP. So he can concentrate, spend next 20 minutes using body to shield sound from ESPN's "SportsCenter" the boys are watching at high volume on nearby TV and shouting phrases like, "That's so sick," during plays-of-the-day.
7:45 a.m.: Hustle boys and MP out door, telling both sons a sweatshirt is inadequate coverage, only to have both respond, "It's straight."
7:47 a.m.: Start car, pull away behind schedule, breathe sigh of relief that all should be well during work and school hours; then brace self to repeat again tomorrow.
The thought of a body man to handle all this is so compelling I'm willing to top the White House salary. Though were I Reggie Love, I might stick with Obama's need to deal with the nation's crises. Less stressful.
(mpatinkin(at)projo.com.)
(Distributed by Scripps Howard News Service, www.scrippsnews.com.)
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