ShareThisMy birthday is coming soon, but you don't need to wish me well, unless you really want to.
That's what my grandmother used to say. I'm getting more like her with each passing year.
I'm looking more like her, too, except she had 12 babies, and I've had only three, so my bosom isn't quite resting on my belly. Yet. Maybe by next year.
For my birthday, I decided to make a list of things I have learned; things I know now that I didn't know at 20 or 40 or, well, whenever.
But a funny thing happened when I tried. Everything I came up with sounded like something my grandmother used to say, or would've said if she'd thought of it. So any credit -- or blame -- really belongs to her.
Here are some examples:
1. When you meet people, shake hands, look them in the eye and ask about their mother, bless her heart; and they'll probably say nice things about you at your funeral.
2. Always tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. But if you're going to tell a lie, at least try to tell one that people will believe. That way, you'll only be known as a liar and not a lying fool.
3. Look after living things: Feed your animals, tend your garden and always be kind to children, old people and newspaper columnists.
4. Never pretend to be what you aren't or to know what you don't know; people can forgive a fool but can't forget a phony.
5. Know what you believe and practice what you preach, but always pray for grace; better to be a heathen than a hypocrite.
6. Try not to dip snuff around people who make you laugh. (It's like "don't spit into the wind, but it's more about the kind of company you keep than the kinds of things you do.)
7. Never be rude, no matter what. If you slip, apologize at once. Say it like you mean it: "I apologize for my rudeness." The only thing worse than rude is tacky, and God forbid that you ever be tacky.
8. Avoid confrontation in the heat of anger, especially with members of your immediate family; remember, in some states, "he needed killing" is not a justifiable defense.
9. If you have to swallow a frog, don't look at it too long before you put it in your mouth; if you have to swallow two frogs, go for the big one first.
10. Never say anything behind people's backs that you would not say to their faces. They'll be sure to hear about it, unless they're dead, and you never want to speak ill of the dead, unless they've got it coming.
11. Don't start doing anything you aren't willing to do forever. (This applies mainly to things like marriage and children, but also to PTA, Rotary and church committees.) And don't bother to finish what shouldn't have been started in the first place.
12. Seek first to understand and last to be understood. Ask all the questions and listen closely to the answers before offering any explanation.
13. Never try to teach a pig to sing; it's a waste of time, and besides, it annoys the pig.
14. Say what you mean and mean what you say; show up; be on time; be prepared; follow through. Let your wealth be the gold that your enemies see shining in your word and your reputation and your heart.
15. Try to lead an interesting life, whatever kind of life that might be. Stay interested, and you'll be interesting. To settle for anything less would be even worse than tacky.
Finally, if you want people to remember your birthday, you need to be sure to remind them. Tell them they don't have to wish you well. Unless, of course, they really want to.
(Sharon Randall can be contacted at P.O. Box 777394, Henderson NV 89077, or at www.sharonrandall.com.)
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