I've seen the photograph, and I hereby declare Michael Phelps guilty.
I don't mean guilty of smoking pot at a college party on the night before a football game. Phelps admitted to doing that in November, but he wasn't arrested and he wasn't charged with a crime. In the eyes of the law, he's innocent.
Michael Phelps is guilty just the same: He violated the unofficial Olympic swimmers' oath, which requires them perform to the best of their ability, every four summers, and then stay out the news the rest of the time.
Don't make any stupid comments about Queens subway passengers to a reporter from Sports Illustrated. Don't fall asleep while stopping your car at a busy intersection in Atlanta. Don't lose $400,000 playing blackjack for an hour on the Las Vegas Strip. Don't be seen holding hands with Madonna before you've filed the papers for your divorce.
In other words: Just stay out of the news. How difficult can this be? OK, it can be difficult for Alex Rodriguez, who has a hard time staying out of the news even during the offseason.
But remaining more or less anonymous should be easier for Phelps, who does not live in New York, does not play baseball for the Yankees, and does not compete in a sport that occupies a high profile during those years in which the Summer Olympics aren't scheduled.
In fact, when I saw the photo of Phelps at the party, my first question was: Who's that?
My second question was: No, really, who's that?
Michael Phelps, in all fairness, had been doing a pretty good job of staying out of sight and, thus out of mind. His insights are not controversial; his opinions are not remotely interesting. He's the greatest swimmer in history, the most successful Olympic athlete in history.
This made him America's No. 1 admired athlete for the two weeks he was in Beijing and a major international celebrity for the month or two that followed. Then he was supposed to fade into the background, so that when we see him again, on the eve of the 2012 Games in London, everything about him will seem fresh and exciting.
Again, how difficult can it be? He's 23. He earns approximately $5 million a year from his endorsement associations with Speedo, Visa, Omega, PowerBar, AT&T, Subway, Kellogg's and Mazda -- to name just a few.
Take the money and swim. Show up for the Olympics every four years.
Win, bow, blow a kiss, and keep the endorsement gravy train running back in the States. It's not complicated.
But Phelps wants it all. He wants the money he's paid for projecting the image of a clean-cut Olympic champion, and he wants to be as removed from responsibility as all the undergrads are on the night before a football game.
The party animal instinct is understandable -- he's not married, he's not a parent -- and hey, if you can't be a knucklehead at 23, when are you gonna be a knucklehead?
His friends at Speedo understand. So do his friends at Visa, Omega, PowerBar, AT&T, Subway, Kellogg's and Mazda. None has threatened to sever its affiliation with the world's greatest swimmer.
Phelps' U.S. teammate Gary Hall Jr. wasn't as fortunate in 1998. When the Olympic medalist tested positive for marijuana, Speedo immediately suspended Hall's deal with the company.
Two thoughts: A tolerance for the misconduct of those who endorse corporate brands has probably expanded over the past 10 years. And Gary Hall Jr. ain't Michael Phelps.
So Phelps is allowed a mulligan, on top of the mulligan he got after a drunken driving arrest four years ago. And while he could've disputed that he was actually the guy holding the bong in the photo, he scores points for candor.
"I engaged in behavior which was regretful and demonstrated bad judgment," he wrote in an apology that appeared on his Facebook page.
"I'm 23 years old, and despite the successes I've had at the pool, I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in the manner people have come to expect from me. For this, I am sorry. I promise my fans and the public it will not happen again."
As acts of contrition go, it beats: "Yes, I experimented with marijuana. But I didn't inhale."
His All-American reputation has taken a bit of a hit, but Michael Phelps has dodged a scandal. He still pulls in $5 million a year. He still gets to represent watchmakers and fast-food chains, still will be seen on cereal boxes.
Now, Michael, some advice: Do yourself a favor, and do the rest of us a favor, too.
Get lost.
Get very lost.
(Contact John McGrath at jmcgrath@newstribune.com)
(Distributed by Scripps Howard News Service, www.scrippsnews.com.)
columnMust credit the News Tribune in Tacoma, Wash.
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