ShareThisIn these modern times, few would argue that men and women are not equals. But anyone would agree that there are some fundamental differences in our physiology.
This is not to say that women are the fairer sex, or weaker in any way. But it's becoming increasingly obvious that, in gastrointestinal terms, men have a hardier constitution. This is, after all, the only possible explanation for the sudden, incredible popularity of bacteria-infused yogurts.
By now you've certainly seen the commercials. A woman (and it's always a woman) complains to a female friend about a non-specific stomach issue. It is left to the viewer to determine whether this unspeakable issue is gas, irregularity or possibly a tapeworm. The friend knowingly extols the virtues of X-brand yogurt, now with some sort of beneficial bacteria. An animation is featured, showing the bacteria in action and explaining nothing.
Time passes and the unspoken issue has been cured thanks to the miracles of inoculated dairy. A third woman appears, clutching her aggravated tapeworm. The two ladies wink knowingly at one another -- a new convert for X-brand yogurt.
There are dozens of these commercials, for varying brands, going into varying detail. Some go so far as to mention bloating, gas and diarrhea. The women in question are amazed to know that these symptoms can be cured by yogurt. The men watching are amazed to learn that women are constantly stricken with gas, bloating and diarrhea.
This until-now-unknown, fundamental difference between the physical workings of men and women should be the scientific breakthrough of our age. Instead, it seems to be taken as common knowledge and used only to hawk dairy products.
How could this be? How could millions of women suffer such indignity in silence, while speaking up loudly about the state of the unshoveled driveway? There must be more to this symbiotic story.
The most simple explanation is that women have been hiding this gastrointestinal distress all along. Ever the dainty creatures, most women would rather not reveal their constant discomfort and wind-passing, preferring instead to hide within bustling dresses and petticoats. Current fashion makes such camouflage impossible, necessitating a new solution.
Men, while not living in a constant state of flatulence, are less inclined to hide behind clothing. In fact, married men are most likely to take full advantage of a temporary gaseous state by demonstrating their ability to relieve the situation without the use of yogurt or any other outside aid. Though it is helpful to have a dog to take the blame.
And perhaps this is another explanation for such a fundamental difference between the sexes. A woman may go about her day in discomfort rather than risk an offensive outburst. A man has no such qualms.
In fact, given the choice between passing gas and eating yogurt infused with living bacteria, it is not surprising that most grown men would choose the former.
We have come a long way in gender relations over the years. Very recently, a few million cracks splintered through the great glass ceiling. This breakthrough could prove to be the final hurdle in gender equality, hidden all along.
And so I say, eat your yogurt. You've earned it. Just keep it away from me.
(Ben Grabow writes for the young, the urban and the easily amused. Contact him at thinlyread(at)gmail.com.)
(Distributed by Scripps Howard News Service, http://www.scrippsnews.com)
THINLY READ
