ShareThisIt has become clear you can't hide much at a Senate hearing. Last week, they discovered Barack Obama's Treasury nominee had failed to pay past self-employment taxes and, earlier, they caught Detroit's auto CEOs flying to town on private jets to ask for bailout money. It got me thinking what I'd face if I got vetted by the confirmation machine:
"Glad you could join us today, Mr. Patinkin, but I see you have no counsel."
"I don't need a lawyer. I have nothing to hide."
"Fine. Then let's cut to the chase, sir. Our investigators have found some troubling matters in your background."
"That's an outrage."
"Is it true you haven't vacuumed since 1997?"
"It's not my fault. I don't know where the 'on' switch is."
"That when no one's looking, you drink from the kitchen faucet?"
"I have lived my life honorably."
"Then how do you explain having recently hidden the last two ice-cream sandwiches from your own family in the back of the freezer?"
"That's character assassination, senator."
"I remind you that you're under oath."
"It's hearsay and innuendo."
"We have the power to subpoena your children."
"Maybe I did hide them in the bag of frozen peas. I thought it was creative."
"The committee is not amused by your quips."
"That was one misstep. You won't find anymore."
"No? Do you recognize this photo from a grocery-store security camera?"
"That would be me checking out."
"Checking out 13 items, Mr. Patinkin, in an express aisle whose maximum is 10. Do you feel you're above the rules?"
"It was an honest mistake. I considered the three cups of Yoplait to be one unit."
"Do not attempt to mislead this committee."
"Senator, my reputation has always ..."
"Moving on, sir, we have witnesses that claim you routinely take the last paper towel from the roll without replacing it."
"It wasn't me."
"Don't force us to reveal our sources."
"But the backup rolls are in the basement. That's a long way."
"We're not interested in your prevarications."
"My what?"
"We have further testimony from the manager at the Capital Grille in Providence."
"It's not a crime to go out to dinner, senator."
"The manager claims you put ketchup on their signature Dry-Aged Porterhouse."
"If true, I did so in error."
"And that when she wasn't looking, you snuck La Choy Sweet and Sour sauce on your wife's carefully cooked Beef Bourguignon."
"That was meant for the rice under it."
"I suggest you don't waste this committee's time with your dissembling."
"I don't know that word, either."
"Is it true that you routinely wake your children at 6:45 a.m. for school, but tell them it's 7:30 to scare them into action?"
"How dare you try to use my children against me."
"They actually asked to testify ... would you like me to bring them in?"
"That won't be necessary."
"Do you claim you respect the right to privacy as stated in the Fourth Amendment?"
"I do, sir."
"How do you square that with reports that when a guest in people's homes, you look in their medicine cabinets?"
"Is there no statute of limitations on these things?"
"You did it last night."
"I cut my finger and needed a Band-Aid."
"I remind you you're under oath. May we see this supposedly cut finger?"
"It healed."
"Is it true that when your kids were infants and woke up at 3 a.m., you sometimes pretended you were asleep, even when it was your turn?"
"I don't recall."
"Let the record also show that in a single 18-hole round, Mr. Patinkin took three Mulligans, improved his lie four times without taking a stroke and gave himself three unauthorized 'gimmes.' "
"Come on, senator, everyone does that."
"While miniature-golfing with their children?"
"But they were winning."
"Do you admit that when wiping the tabletop after dinner, you routinely sweep the crumbs into midair?"
"Perhaps I should consider counsel."
"That you haven't used a coaster in four years?"
"I think I want a lawyer."
"Sir, did you actually watch the movie 'Mamma Mia!' last week and got teary-eyed at one point?"
"Senator, I believe I have a statement to make."
"This better be good."
"I withdraw my nomination."
(mpatinkin(at)projo.com.)
(Distributed by Scripps Howard News Service, www.scrippsnews.com.)
Must credit The Providence JournalColumn
