ShareThisThe planet gets invaded once again this weekend, in the unsettling form of Keanu Reeves, as a remake of "The Day the Earth Stood Still" arrives in theaters.
A lot has changed since the alien Klaatu first landed on Earth in the 1951 original. The human race has abused Earth's natural resources to the brink of ecological calamity, while the world's financial markets are on the verge of collapse. We live in a time when Paula Abdul won't go away, and Sidney Poitier can't seem to make a comeback. And the trans fat has been removed from Girl Scout cookies, making them far less delicious.
At this point, would an alien takeover really make things worse?
This year's election proved that voters are dying for change. And there's no greater change than a Borg assimilation. With that in mind, we've decided to rethink several iconic alien invasions in television and movie history, instead considering the potential positives. We've also included the effects of the takeover on our standard of living, the form of government each alien would rule under and a quote for use on campaign T-shirts.
Klaatu barada nikto!
Gen. Zod
The movie: "Superman II"
Form of government: Dictatorship
Campaign quote: "Kneel before Zod!"
Admittedly, some takeovers have zero upside. An invasion by the bugs in "Alien" and "Starship Troopers," for example, ends badly for pretty much everyone. But you have to figure that once you got past all the posturing, someone like Gen. Zod might have some pretty good ideas about how to fix Social Security. Superman's nemesis from the planet Krypton wasn't going to spend his entire regime making people kneel before him. If the Man of Steel didn't keep meddling, we might have seen Zod's universal health-care plan. One more positive leadership quality: Zod has the best beard on a U.S. leader since James Garfield. Zod/Palin in 2012!
Standard of living: Improved
The Borg
The television series: "Star Trek: The Next Generation"
Form of government: Absolute monarchy
Campaign quote: "Resistance is futile"
While the Borg assimilation process isn't without its inconveniences, there are definite advantages to living under Borg rule. For one thing, no more waiting at airport-security checkpoints. Who in the Borg collective doesn't have 25 pounds of metal on his body? Having at least one arm that's replaced with a giant Swiss army knife is another nice perquisite. (Want to jump-start your car? Need a toothpick? Forget where you put your spare plasma cannon? No problem!) And, perhaps most important, you'll look completely awesome. There's only one thing hotter than Patrick Stewart: Patrick Stewart with the carburetor from a 1981 Chevy Citation sticking out of the side of his head.
Standard of living: Improved
Klaatu
The movie: "The Day the Earth Stood Still"
Form of government: Democracy
Campaign quote: "Klaatu barada nikto!"
With apologies to Shane Falco from "The Replacements," Keanu Reeves doesn't instill much confidence in a leadership role. So for the sake of argument, we're talking about the Michael Rennie version of Klaatu from the 1951 movie, not the Reeves one from the remake. After a few small bumps in his relationship with earthlings, Klaatu turned out to be sort of an interstellar consigliere -- an alien version of Tom Hagen from "The Godfather." While he clearly didn't want the position, Klaatu would have made a great president or an even better secretary of state. And is there a more effective secretary of defense than Gort the robot?
Standard of living: Improved
The Pod People
The movie: "Invasion of the Body Snatchers"
Form of government: Libertarian socialism
Campaign quote: "There's nothing to be afraid of. They were right. It's painless. It's good. Come. Sleep, Matthew."
When watching Philip Kaufman's superb 1978 "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" remake, which takes place in San Francisco, you can't but help notice how much cleaner the Tenderloin looks once the pod people take over. And if there's anyone who can fix the mass-transit system, it's a filament-like spore from outer space. Yes, it might be kind of boring when the pod people are in control of government), but the social conditions are definitely going to get better. One request: Send the body snatchers from Kaufman's movie or the 1956 original, not the bad Nicole Kidman remake.
Standard of living: Improved
E.T.
The movie: "E.T.: The Extraterrestrial"
Form of government: Theocracy
Campaign quote: "E.T., phone home."
How much do we really know about E.T., other than the fact that he had horrible taste in candy, and his Atari 2600 video game was a rip-off? Our theory: E.T. was part of some interstellar terror cell, on a reconnaissance mission in preparation of Phase II, the enslavement of humankind. If he could make a satellite phone out of a Speak & Spell and a circular saw blade, just think what he would have done with some weapons-grade plutonium. We're thinking that E.T.'s rule would eventually fall somewhere between Kim Jong Il and Hugo Chavez. Thank God the scientists found E.T. and chased him off the planet before he could finish hatching his evil plan.
Standard of living: Worse
Others to consider: The Cylons ("Battlestar Galactica"); the alien colonists ("The X-Files"); the Visitors ("V: The Original Miniseries"); the crop-circle aliens ("Signs"); Alf ("Alf").
(E-mail Peter Hartlaub at phartlaub(at)sfchronicle.com.)
(Distributed by Scripps Howard News Service, www.scrippsnews.com.)
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