ShareThisThere's a new book out called "How to Talk to Girls." This is a worthy subject, but one aspect of it upsets me. It was written by a 9-year-old. The reason this upsets me is the book rose to 30 on Amazon.com's Top 100 list -- ahead of Toni Morrison's new hit novel and a best-selling biography of Warren Buffet.
I would like to have a book that high on the Amazon list. Clearly, I haven't picked the right topic. My solution is to borrow this boy's idea.
His name is Alec Greven, from Colorado, and he's enough of an oracle to have been on "Today" to offer advice. Some of it isn't bad. For example, when approaching a girl, he advises males not to act desperate, and be wary of pretty girls who, he says, are like cars that need a lot of oil. Wisely, he observes that girls win most of the arguments and have most of the power. With that kind of insight, Alec is almost ready to be a husband.
Similar books are usually by men in their dating prime. And that is where I see an opportunity for myself. Just as Alec is likely the first male of a single-digit age to publish on this concept, I think there is an equal void at the other end.
So today, I'm going to offer my insights on how to talk to girls when you're 55.
Frankly, that's still a bit young to consider oneself an expert. Even if you mark your starting point with females at age 9, it's a gender that often takes more than 46 years to understand.
In fact, I am still learning new lessons, so let me start with my latest.
For a long time, my wife has made Sloppy Joes for the family. Recently, I went out of town to visit my parents. While there, my mother made Sloppy Joes herself. I told her they were very good, so she wrote down the recipe. I came home and gave it to my wife, saying she should try it. I did this innocently, thinking it would be a welcome offering. It turned out not to be. I am still not sure why. But I can tell you that if your wife has long made a particular dish, it is best not to give her a recipe from your mother for a supposedly better way to make that same dish.
When dating at a younger age, the classic advice is to do a lot of sweet-talking. When talking to girls at age 55, especially ones you are married to, it's best to take the opposite approach, particularly in areas of potential conflict. My father is now 83. He and my mother have been married almost 60 years. He is still quite a talker, but when it comes to matters of mutual impact, he has learned to mostly say just two things. The first: "Where are we going?" The second: "What should I wear?" This has worked for him very well.
My Aunt Ida is now a widow in her 90s. Her marriage to Uncle Harold was a happy one for over 60 years. I once asked them the secret to their marital longevity.
Aunt Ida said, "I talk and he doesn't."
I looked at Uncle Harold to see his view on this. He smiled and didn't say a thing.
Uncle Harold understood that, past a certain age, you hold onto girls not by what you say, but by what you don't say. I learned some of this the hard way, so I will pass on some phrases a man should not say.
The first is, "What's taking you so long?"
Then there are the times she is proudly showing you something she bought, like clothing or shoes, and asks you what you think. The proper response is not, "How much?"
One of the most dangerous areas involves running into another woman who is within 10 years of your wife's age. Even if she is a friend, it is best not to say, "She looks amazing."
This doesn't mean you should say nothing at all. Silence is not always advisable. There are things you do need to say.
The proper response after seeing a woman within 10 years of your wife's age is, "You look so much better than her." Make that 15 years.
Another tricky area involves moments when women start to vent. This is dangerous because men are wired to solve things. When a woman vents, a logical man will want to be selfless and solve her problems. Do not do this. Women do not want you to say, "Here's how to fix that." Women don't want to be fixed. They want to be validated. It's better to simply say, "Sounds like you had a really rough day."
Also, when saying this, it's best not to look over her shoulder at the replay.
Another area that requires the correct phrase is when a wife is serving a new dish at dinner. If a man does not comment appropriately upon it, he will sense that although no one has touched the thermostat, the temperature in the room has gone down. So you must comment. But it does not work to say, "This is very good." Logically, men may feel this is a compliment, but most wives do not see it that way. A wife's usual response to "This is very good" is "I'm sorry you don't like it." This is why it's far better to say, "You've outdone yourself."
The smart middle-aged man realizes that marriage is like a business. You can't assume it will thrive on its own. You have to invest capital. There is one key phrase that is the best possible investment. It is more effective than "I love you." It is even more powerful than telling her she has made life worth living. More powerful than "You've given me more than I could ever have imagined."
It is this:
Every so often, glance at your wife with convincing sincerity and a dash of surprise, and say, "Have you lost weight?"
Invariably, she will respond with, "I wish." When a woman says, "I wish," that translates to, "Please say it again." So you should add, "No, no, you really have lost weight." She will then insist, "Stop, I really haven't." This is not a statement. It is a test. Do not fail it. One form of failing this test would be to say in agreement, "Oh, I guess you haven't then." That would be a bad thing to say.
If Alec Greven's publisher is interested, I could get going on this.
On the other hand, since 9-year-old males sometimes have better instincts than middle-aged ones, they may want me to get a bit more experience. I am happy to do that ...
...and promise in 15 years to deliver a manuscript on how to talk to girls when you're 70.
(mpatinkin(at)projo.com)
(Distributed by Scripps Howard News Service, www.scrippsnews.com.)
Must credit The Providence JournalColumn
