Heloise never had an answer for stubborn teens

I clicked onto AOL and came across the latest thing:

The video version of home-improvement tips.

That's a long way from "Hints from Heloise." She wrote a column with housekeeping ideas like how to get candle wax out of the carpet using an iron and a towel. I pronounced her name wrong for years -- I thought "Heloise" rhymed with "voice" -- and can still picture her photo. She must have used four cans of hairspray a day.

Now, on AOL, there's a guy named Eric Stromer who has blond tresses. He was no doubt picked for his looks. The video series is called "GMC Trade Secrets." One video shows how to unclog a sink drain by removing the "P-trap," so named, I just realized, because it resembles the letter.

I surfed through a few others, like how to repair stucco and fix driveway stains -- all standard home-repair problems.

But it got me thinking.

Household tips are common. What we really need are more tips on problems with people within a home, especially offspring. They fall apart far more often than stucco or drains.

I do not have blond tresses, but if AOL is interested in adding an expert, here today are my own hints:

-- Instructional notes.

An unacknowledged heartbreak among American children these days is that most are so tragically hard of hearing that even if you tell them a dozen times that the wet towel does not belong on the bedroom carpet, they still don't hear you. The solution is to post written instructions. Curiously, the closer the children get to age 20, the more basic the notes have to be.

For example, when kids are 10, you can put a note on the ottoman saying, "Please do not leave glasses here." They will get this.

When they are 18, you have to tape a more elaborate full-page letter on the central cabinet saying:

"What you see below is called a 'sink.' A sink is where normal people rinse off dirty dishes and glasses. Is it where you leave them? No, it is not. The appliance to your right is called a 'dishwasher.' It is called this because it washes dishes. It cannot do so unless dishes are put inside it. Can you do this? I know you can." It even helps to go to clip-art and add pictures of a sink and dishwasher. I can vouch that with 18-year-olds, one posted note is more effective than 100 verbal demands.

-- Establish a sleeping-bag pile.

During the phase of life when one has teen-agers, seen in microcosm by historians as a more chaotic time than the Dark Ages, you seldom know how many overnight guests you will have. Instead of RSVPs, you usually get a text at 11 p.m. from your son asking if three more friends can "crash." In addition, that is, to the four already approved. This requires the ability to ramp up bunk facilities on a scale rivaling a suddenly deployed Army platoon.

At first, I bought trundle beds, but capacity is limited. I added inflatable beds, but those can be cumbersome, and not worth it for creatures who don't know the difference between that and a floor. We eventually went to sleeping bags, but cleanup was a problem.

Solution: Establish a designated space, preferably the hidden corner where two couches meet -- where overnight guests are encouraged to toss sleeping bags, pillows, quilts and blankets into a 4-foot-high pile. In time, they know to retrieve bedding from the pile as well. Some even resort to sleeping on top of it.

-- A new language.

One of the great sources of inefficiency in a household is communication. There is usually progress in this area between infancy and age 5 as children become fluent, and still more up to age 11, at which point things go in reverse as fluency declines and offspring, by age 16, begin to speak in tongues.

So, as important as it is to know how to clean candle wax off a rug, or clear a clogged drain, for a household to function, it is even more important to know that when a 15-year-old says, "It wasn't me," it actually translates to "It was me."

Similarly, when asking if they plan to do homework, "It's straight" is the usual response. "It's straight" means "It's not straight."

As far as social life, no one in 2008 is "dating" anymore. They're "chilling." And if you give your teen-ager something really nice for the holidays, and he says, "That's sick," or even "That's disgusting," do not be offended. "Sick" and "disgusting" mean, "That's so very nice."

Finally, don't be confused, or get your hopes up, if you ask your teen-ager if he wants to see a movie with you, and he says, "I'm all right" or "I'm good." Those two phrases mean "There's no possible way."

That covers today's tips.

If General Motors would like to sponsor me as the next Heloise, I'm game.

I'm sure that soon enough, they'll have the money.

(mpatinkin(at)projo.com.)

(Distributed by Scripps Howard News Service, www.scrippsnews.com.)

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