Hart: When to get married

ShareThis

News out this week shows that this year, the average age of first marriages rose again, to 28 and 26 for men and women respectively, up from 27 and 25 just last year. What's going on?A happily married, rather bookish friend of mine told me of a casual "study" he'd done on marriage in England in the 1500s. (Okay, he was very bookish.) Anyway, he delved into letters that have come down to us between married couples who were separated by war or other necessity. These were by definition very wealthy, educated couples who would have had arranged marriages at very young ages.What he found was that about a third of the letters showed rather bitter, unhappy husbands and wives grousing at each other; about a third showed rather matter of fact unions, "here's how many eggs the chickens layed this month" type stuff; and about a third depict rapturous unions with great protestations of love and passion.Okay, it was a small sample but it suggests that the arranged marriage rate of yesterday might be at least as good if not better than the happiness rate of "I'm looking for my soul mate" types today.Dr. David Popenoe is a professor emeritus of sociology at Rutgers University, where he directs the prestigious National Marriage Project, which looks at trends in marriage, divorce, and family life and what it means both for individuals and the culture. Popenoe told me that these latest increases in age at first marriage are part of a trend that's been going on since 1960s in every modern nation.It has to do with factors including women who are more highly educated and professional who no longer have to marry for economic reasons; the sexual revolution and changes in norms of premarital sex, now almost universally accepted, i.e., men don't "have" to marry to have sex, it's okay to live together outside of marriage, etc: and a rise in the divorce rate over the last 50 years which tends to make people more choosy in marriage partners, as in, "if I find the right one I won't get divorced."The latter is the one which intrigues me because it seems to make sense -- but doesn't. According to USA Today, in a piece on the rising marriage age this week by Sharon Jayson, "a study being drafted by sociologist Norval Glenn of the University of Texas-Austin finds that those who marry in the early to mid-20s are slightly happier and less likely to break up than those who marry in the later 20s, but are significantly more satisfied with their relationships than those who marry at 30 or older."Huh?Actually, this makes sense. Popenoe believes that one of the greatest contributing factors to high divorce rates is the downside of "high expectations." One might think, "if only I find my soul mate (the very term EHarmony uses in advertisements), the perfect person, I'll never have to go through divorce."Only, everyone eventually disappoints his or her spouse. So if our faith about our marriage is ultimately tied at the hip to the person we are married to, instead of the integrity and value of the institution itself come times of trouble, of course it's easier to walk away when we are unhappy in the moment. And find our next soul mate. (Having been on the receiving end of an unwanted divorce, I know what I'm talking about here.) Of course it's wise to take time, be cautious, and carefully think through our choice of spouse. We should have high expectations. But I'm going to advise my children to "be a spouse who is willing to give your spouse the freedom to fail and the freedom to not reach your expectations. If you marry someone who does the same -- you'll be more likely to find happiness at (almost) any age."(Betsy Hart hosts the "It Takes a Parent" radio show on WYLL-AM 1160 in Chicago. Reach her through betsysblog.com. For more stories, visit scrippsnews.com.)