The parent is the major caretaker of a child's education

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DEAR DR. FOURNIER: I read with interest a recent opinion you gave on a "straight-A 11-year-old being disrespectful of her mother" because she didn't want her mother looking at her homework. I think there is more than disrespect involved (assuming these are real people).I am the mom of three sons (ages 14, 17, 20). All are very capable students, but all have very different feelings about my involvement in their school responsibilities, from wanting my input to absolutely not wanting any input. I learned to adjust my approach so that even the most independent does not have a problem with my looking at his work when I'd like. I have found that effective communication is essential in some of the stickier parenting issues.ASSESSMENT: Let me address a couple of your comments first."Assuming these are real people" -- I can assure you that these letters are from real people. After 30 years of practice and more than 20 years writing this column, I am still flooded with letters, calls and e-mails from real people who seek my advice on painful issues with their children. Her question was not uncommon. I have received it many times in some form or another from all over the country."I have found that effective communication is essential in some of the stickier parenting issues" -- The only sticky issue here is the misguided idea that a parent should acquiesce when a child attempts to parent the parent into obeying the child's rules.WHAT TO DO: A parent is the major caretaker and stakeholder of a child's complete education. Each year, teachers teach the portion they are assigned. It is the parent -- and only the parent -- who is capable of seeing the whole picture. And the whole picture is that A's in school are only a small part of this child's education and what she will need to achieve success as an adult. The one thing I do know from dealing with my own son and working with thousands of children during my career is that this child does not know who her boss is. It is not her teachers, it is not her friends and it is not herself.This child is preparing to be at the beginning of her work life in the year 2022. By then technology, information and communication will force her to work cooperatively and collaboratively with people of all nations. If she is unable to do this with caring for her co-workers' concerns, they are not going to put up with her. If this child is making A's in school but won't cooperate with her mother at home -- well, she is lucky she doesn't live with me. It would take me one second to tear up her homework and tell her to start again; and this time she'd better understand that Mom is the major stakeholder in her life and is the boss in charge of her education, and that includes reviewing homework assignments as desired.We have enough hateful, arrogant and "better than thou" people in the world. I certainly refuse to endorse a mother bringing up one more.This child doesn't need to learn any more math, English, science or anything else until she learns one thing: "The world does not remember us by our style or by our wit; it does not remember us by our knowledge or our words; no, the world remembers only one thing: The world remembers love." -- Author unknown.(Write Dr. Yvonne Fournier, Fournier Learning Strategies Inc., 5900 Poplar, Memphis, Tenn. 38119. E-mail her at drfournier(at)hfhw.net)