Secrets from a newly married man

ShareThis

By the time you read this, I will be halfway through a honeymoon.That's right, I am officially a married man. And as such, I am in a unique position to divulge some pertinent information to the less-than-married men and women of the world. As a successfully wedded groom, and for a fraction of a matchmaker's fee, I will share with you the secrets to landing a spouse. Forget all the advice you've read, all the friends you've consulted, and all the undeserved guilt you've assumed. Forget, for that matter, that these tips will likely land you a quickly balding newspaper columnist. Just sit down, relax, and in the name of desperation, read on.First, some advice from a former reader. A fan of my college work once wrote to say "if you want to meet someone who likes to go for walks in the park, go for a walk in the park." I believe this reader was later arrested in a local park, but the advice holds true, with a few considerations.This sort of thing works if you want to meet someone who enjoys, say, dog shows or bull riding. But if you want to meet someone who likes to spend Tuesday evenings watching cheesy television on the couch, it can prove problematic. As in, I do not recommend breaking and entering. Sometimes your mutual interests will align without your intention. In my instance, I met someone who liked to complain about working in a cubicle while working in a cubicle. I wasn't even trying.Another truism proves just as true - the surest way to a mate's heart is through the stomach. In addition, what you put in that stomach says a lot about you. I was plied into matrimony with fried okra and tomato pie. Snickers bars and Slurpees are just as likely to lure a lover, but what you reel in depends how you bait the hook. In this instance, you're just as likely to catch adult-onset diabetes. Say you've snagged a keeper and want to make sure he stays caught. There are dozens of age-old prescriptions that apply here, but the best medication is parental separation. You can tell a lot about a person's future self based on the folks that raised them, which can be both good and bad. So ease your prospective life partner into familial associations gradually, or else.There are, of course, exceptions to every rule. If you've got great parents, by all means, flaunt them. And previous rules apply as well - sometimes mother's home cooking will keep them coming back. Mine was a marriage ordained by skillet cornbread.Finally, it is impossible to underestimate the power of respect. Listen to your lover, make certain that your mate feels important and appreciated, and grant your special someone the space he or she needs to grow and breathe. This will make it much easier when you set a firm make-or-break deadline for the engagement.This, I've learned, is the surest secret to snagging a potential mate. In many instances, the boy or girl of your dreams will be happy to go on forever as the boyfriend or girlfriend in your apartment. A little encouragement, in my experience, works wonders.But, again, deadlines are particularly effective for newspaper columnists.(Ben Grabow writes for the young, the urban and the easily amused. Contact him at thinlyread(at)gmail.com.) (Distributed by Scripps Howard News Service, http://www.scrippsnews.com)