There has never been a better time to become a hobo

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The financial situation is frightful and the outlook is far from delightful. So if you haven't anyplace to go, consider the life of the hobo.In these troubling economic times, it is important for the erstwhile Master of the Universe to remain cool-headed and calm. Those who hope to survive must follow a rational, responsible plan. And in times like these, there is only one rational, responsible course of action.It is, of course, time to become a hobo.In fact, there has never been a better time to become a hobo. Though the Great Depression was widely regarded as the peak of hobo culture, it also represented the peak of hobo awareness. Every railroad officer and engineer was wise to the hobo's tricks and trade. These days, as you gather your bundle and hit the road, many folks will look at you only in mild surprise -- if they look at all.As you will see, becoming a hobo is a simple process, just as it was in generations past. You can become a hobo the very day your formerly massive investment firm collapses.First, as you leave the gilded corporate headquarters, hit the supply closet. Staplers and letter openers will prove useful for on-train defense. Post-its can mark a friendly house or a dangerous and angry dog.If the break-room vending machine has not yet been smashed and looted, look for any hearty fare that will give you the energy to hop a freight or two. Corn chips and vegetable juice are key ingredients in hobo stew and will earn you the respect and camaraderie of fellow hobos.Next, remove whatever devalued money is remaining in your failed financial institution. The paper currency, unlike your over-maxed credit cards, will prove useful in stoking hobo campfires.Now it's time to put your business skills to use in the fast-paced enterprise of train hopping. Hitching a free ride is very similar to catching a private jet out of LaGuardia, only without the hassle of lines and security checkpoints. Like the private jet, the train does not wait in any sort of holding pattern and will leave when it pleases. Unlike the private jet, a late boarding could cost you a limb.Bear in mind that train hopping is, of course, illegal.Marketing and sales acumen will separate you from the neighboring day laborers. Negotiation skills are a must when dividing the day's panhandled wages. A working knowledge of international markets and exchanges will be essentially useless, though it may buy you some much-needed railcar solitude.Only one aspect of the hobo life will not come easily to the former day trader. In order to survive the life of the rails, all hobos must follow a code of ethics. Though you may chafe at such sentiments, the code stipulates that you must help others, as you may need their help someday.That help could come as a ladle of hobo stew or a multibillion-dollar bailout. Either way, it always pays to follow the hobo code.(Ben Grabow writes for the young, the urban and the easily amused. Contact him at thinlyread(at)gmail.com.)(Distributed by Scripps Howard News Service, http://www.scrippsnews.com)