Not the right time to have a dog

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I don't need a dog.Nobody, really, needs a dog. Some people might have special service dogs, but the same work could be done by any number of other animals with the right training. It takes patience to have a seeing-eye cat, but it can't be impossible.Hunters, too, might prefer dogs, but they don't need dogs. You walked all the way out here, go pick up your own pheasant. If you don't want to go swimming after a dead duck, don't shoot the duck in the first place. And a teen-ager can rustle game out of the underbrush just as well as any dog. Just toss a cell phone where you want him to go. Better than any retriever.No, nobody really needs a dog. Certainly not me. Not right now, anyway. I'm not in a good situation to have a dog. I live in an apartment, and dogs need lots of room. They aren't content to shed on only two or three pieces of furniture; they need a whole household of upholstery on which to deposit their fur. A dog would grow restless shedding on the same futon, day after day.I work full-time, and dogs need lots of attention. I would have to invite the dog to conference calls and e-mail him for input on slide presentations. Eventually we would have to have a talk about his initiative and productivity, because dogs hate office work. I try and avoid confrontations like this.Having a cat doesn't help, either. Having a cat with all its claws and none of its sense is especially unhelpful. If there is a breed of dog that enjoys a vigorous clawing, I have not heard of it. The dog would have to be big enough to withstand such a clawing, yet docile enough to accept it. A sedated schnauzer or drugged Dalmatian.But dogs need to be walked. A tranquilized terrier would have to be rolled or carted. It would be a daily chore, pulling the cat off the dog, putting the dog in his wheelbarrow, pushing the dog around the subdivision. If rushed, I'd have to leave the cat on there, firmly attached, hissing at the neighborhood children.Cats don't need walking. Cats don't need baths or chew toys or leashes. Cats don't really need you. In fact, my cat needs me about as much as I need a dog.So I guess what I'm trying to say is, no, you can't come home with me. Yes, you are extremely adorable. The licking and the wagging are definitely working in your favor. The paw on my lap is a nice touch. But I don't need a dog. Not right now, anyway.If you could come back in a year or two, it might work out. Once I have a nice big house full of fur-adhesive furniture, or when the cat mellows out enough to complete his seeing-eye training. Or when my job allows me to work from home and take long afternoon business walks.For now, though, it just isn't the right time. I can tell by the heart-melting look in your eyes that you understand. In fact, hold that look. We'll take you back to the apartment and share that look with my fiancee. I'll just let her explain.(Ben Grabow writes for the young, the urban and the easily amused. Contact him at thinlyread(at)gmail.com.)(Distributed by Scripps Howard News Service, http://www.scrippsnews.com)