ShareThis"S.G." writes to Carolyn Hax, a nationally syndicated advice columnist, that she's almost 50 years old and has been dating a wonderful man for three years. Though they maintain separate households, their lives are otherwise intertwined: seeing each other all the time, maintaining mutual calendars, joining in each other's family celebrations, kids' events and so on. They each have three high school/college age children. She's ready to get married and officially merge the households already so connected. He says such a "merger" would upset his kids and says "no" for now. S.G. thinks his kids are conspiring against her.Hax sides with him. Essentially, Hax says, the kids' "feelings" need to come first. She encourages S.G. to wait for marriage until the kids are all out of the homes.Whoa.Okay, Hax. While I've often shared my advice through opinion, every once in a while I ache to tell it straight. So, nudge over for a minute, please, while I cut through your befuddled "pop-culture think" and speak to S.G. directly:Dear S.G.:Betsy here . . . listen up and wake up.Three years of this? Are you kidding me? How do you know Mr. Wonderful won't also object to a "merger" if it upsets his kids while they are meeting their own spouses, having their babies, getting their own divorces?I'll make the safe assumption you are sleeping with him. One way to find out Mr. Wonderful's true intentions? Stop doing so. Right now. And not again until you are married. Period. This isn't (just) a moral issue it's a "girl, get smart!" issue.Do you want your daughters in long-term relationships where they are giving themselves sexually without the commitment of marriage? Or your sons to be able to live in perpetual adolescence, without having to grow up and make a commitment to the woman they love and are sleeping with?No? Then you shouldn't live that way either.Now, you need to sit down with your beau and talk about a few things. Marriage is about far more than the two people involved. It's a covenant that tethers a community and a family. Does he see it that way? Find out, because if it really is only about the two of you, it won't last long anyway.OK, the kids. Assuming Mr. Wonderful is a man of character and worthy of your children (and other people whose opinion you trust agree), one of the greatest gifts you and your beau could give all of your children would be the gift of living under a healthy, committed marriage. One which becomes the centerpiece of the home, giving them a security they can't have now if any of them are calling the shots as much as you suspect.In fact, all the kids need to understand that they don't, or shouldn't, ever occupy a place in your hearts that only a husband or wife can fill -- so, then, there really isn't any "competition" for them here. I'm not saying it's easy for the children to get this truth, I'm saying it's up to you and your intended to lovingly help them to see it over time.And by the way, a marriage between you and him will only work if your children see you two being united in dealing with them, for their good. They will try to manipulate you against each other just as kids do their biological parents. Your children will, very soon, grow up and out of the family nest. Your relationship with any new spouse will (we hope) last the rest of your lives. Your first responsibility, for the well being of all of the children as well as your spouse, needs to be to your marriage just as it should be when biological parents are married. Patience, time, and some really well-grounded counseling for the whole family are musts. Will there be logistics to figure out, and trials to deal with? Of course. But if you give your children the gift of seeing marriage as sacred and worth working through those difficulties (or trying to) for the sake of all of you, you will have given them a gift indeed.And if Mr. Wonderful doesn't "get it" -- then he's not Mr. Wonderful, and you need to stop wasting your time and move on.Thanks for letting me weigh in -- good luck to you, S.G!(Betsy Hart hosts the "It Takes a Parent" radio show on WYLL-AM 1160 in Chicago. Reach her through betsysblog.com. for more stories, visit scrippsnews.com.)
Seeing the truth about marriage and kids
Submitted by SHNS on Thu, 07/24/2008 - 15:23
Paying taxes unites us. It also divides us. People can pay five and even six times more in state and local taxes than other folks in similar circumstances making similar incomes.
Who's got your number?
In one of the fastest-growing forms of identity theft, crooks are stealing tax refunds by swiping personal information and using it to trick the Internal Revenue Service.
