Jaded views of marriage

It's June again, the odds-on favorite month for weddings in America. More than 2 million American couples will pledge their troth this year -- most of them for the first time.

Judging from photos on the wedding pages of the newspapers, those smiling couples in gowns and tuxedos are not only in love but persuaded that their marriages will last.

But if recent history is a guide, their chances of surviving till death do them part are not a whole lot better than 50-50.

If love does not conquer all, neither does failure necessarily lead to discouragement. Still, divorced couples who aspire to wed again acknowledge that their second chance at happiness represents the triumph of hope over experience. Subsequent marriages suffer an even greater failure rate than first ones.

However, the traditional starry-eyed approach to wedlock is preferable to the growing attitude of men and women who, having failed to find the perfect mate during their 20s and 30s, only grudgingly agree to "settle" for a lesser mortal later on.

Today in America there are a lot of aging singles who find themselves in a quandary -- alone and with shrinking prospects, because they have been too choosy for too long. There are already more adult Americans living alone than there are married couples.

Marriage is postponed, in part, because the single life has become more attractive to women and men alike. For an educated, independent, working woman, the prospect of wedlock can appear to signal a loss in life satisfaction. And aging single men aren't nearly as attracted to having children as women are.

Of course, the sexes are still mutually attracted, but marriage is easily put off in favor of cohabitation free of commitment. As recently as 1960 there were just 439,000 couples living together without benefit of marriage. By 2006, there were well over 5 million, and the numbers are growing.

St. Paul, a confirmed bachelor, advised Christian couples of the first century that it was "better to marry than burn" (1 Corinthians 7:9). He was referring not to hellfire but to the flames of concupiscence. Today, fewer couples than ever agree with him. Marriage is no longer valued as the only acceptable outlet for passion.

Nevertheless, marriage has much more to offer than casual sex and cohabitation. So men and women who were indifferent to tying the knot in their 20s and 30s are increasingly inclined to trade their independence for companionship, children, and security.

Having failed over the years to find the perfect mate, they are resigning themselves to settling for second best. Forty-year-old single Laurie Gottlieb, confesses in the Sunday Times of London: "If I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, I'm at the age where I will probably need to settle for someone who is settling for me." But she compares such a marriage to "selling your very soul in exchange for damaged goods."

I can't believe that Cupid, or St. Paul for that matter, ever thought so poorly of marriage.

David Yount's 12th book is "America's Spiritual Utopias: The Quest for Heaven on Earth" (Praeger). He answers readers at P.O. Box 2758, Woodbridge, VA 22195 and dyount(at)erols.com.