It's never too late to get your love life going again

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The process of intimacy is about so much more than sex. The analogy could be made that your physical relationship is the whipped cream on the sundae of your life together. Sexual intimacy can enhance a relationship and perhaps even save it in a time of severe crisis.For those who are experiencing a sexual recession, the answers are far simpler than what's needed to fix the economy. The main ingredient necessary for creating sexual intimacy is desire. Not the desire for sex, but the desire for the deepest sense of physical and emotional connection one could hope to feel.Reclaiming an exciting tactile experience is only part of what is needed; mental and emotional connections are also necessary. A desire to experiment is as valid as a more conservative approach. What's most important is that you both agree on what works for you, and this takes some communication and a respect for each other's boundaries and needs.It begins with couples agreeing that they both want a more active, romantic or passionate sexual relationship. And that it has as much to do with intimacy, the feeling of closeness, as it does with the physical experience of closeness.No one wants to be intimate with someone who's mad at him or her, so if your lack of affection is based on or has caused anger, you have to heal that before moving on to sexual intimacy. Get the elephant on the table and talk about what's bugging you. Eliminating any residual anger will open the door to a deeper love connection.If it has been a while, don't try to be totally intimate right after reading this. Go for a casual buildup of emotion, kiss and cuddle for a few nights, exchange massages, bathe or shower together and just get comfortable with each other again. Taking a little time to get things going will make them last a lot longer.It's never too late to get your love life going again. If you recoil at the very idea of sex with your partner, then there are some deeper issues going on, and you'd best start working on them before your entire relationship becomes tainted.Sex is only part of a good relationship, but if it's withheld or used as a weapon, it can erode even the strongest of bonds. Just wanting to feel the desire again is a sign that you long for more intimacy with your partner. Share your feelings with the one you love, and together you can make your love life an attractive part of being together once again.(Dr. Barton Goldsmith, a marriage and family therapist in Westlake Village, Calif., is the author of "Emotional Fitness for Couples."E-mail him at Barton(at)BartonGoldsmith.com)