Rules to play euchre by

ShareThis

It's not a card game so much as a cultural touchstone. A cultural touchstone that will invoke verbal abuse from your loved ones and make you look weak in the eyes of your in-laws, but a cultural touchstone nonetheless.It may seem odd that a simple game, requiring not even a full deck of playing cards, should carry such import. But if you intend to befriend, impress or marry into a Midwestern family, you must eventually learn how to play euchre.Euchre (pronounced "YOO-ker") is a fairly simple game in the same vein as hearts. The rules are straightforward and can be taught in minutes. Yet knowing how to play euchre is certainly not the same as knowing the rules, and your worth as a potential suitor or bride depends deeply on this knowledge.To spare new players the heartache and emasculation inherent in "learning as you go" -- similar to learning self-surgery or bomb disarmament "as you go" -- I will try and explain the nuances of the game in a few brief paragraphs. You would do well to take notes.First, it is important to pretend that you do not want to play euchre. At the first mention of euchre, groan audibly and claim you'll only play if you have to, in order to fill out a table. All euchre-playing families do this.Before the game begins, remember: You do not know how to play euchre. Even if you know the rules, even if you've played a few hands and even if you played all through college for beer money, you must claim that you can't quite recall how it goes. This is a signal of respect and deference, and will ensure that errors will be lightly punished and that any success is merely beginner's luck.Let your hosts teach you with a few practice hands. Pay close attention to the level of abuse doled out in practice. Bear in mind that the real thing will be much, much worse.Once the game begins in earnest, don't be afraid to speak up. Unforced errors committed by your partner require loud and enthusiastic berating. Errors committed by your opponents are worthy of prolonged and pointed belittlement. Any discussion between your opponents is blatant and obvious cheating and should be challenged as such. Only silence is unforgivable, as it is a sign of weakness.Encourage drinking whenever possible. Offer to bring the next round from the fridge or to top off glasses between hands. Inebriated opponents come up with the worst mistakes and the best insults.Should your winning margin become a substantial lead, reference the score as often as possible. Your opponents may otherwise forget, as they must be extremely inebriated to have allowed such a blowout. Such reminders also encourage further drinking, which is conducive to overall play.Be certain to observe the particular customs of the final point. In some families, the occasion requires placing a card behind one's ear. In other circles, it is customary to take your opponent's drink. Adopting the latter under the wrong circumstances may result in a card inside your ear, or a nasty playing-card cut.Finally, and above all, never accept fault. This is the most important unstated rule in euchre and key to your future as a member of a euchre-playing family.(Ben Grabow writes for the young, the urban and the easily amused. E-mail him at thinlyread(at)gmail.com.)(Distributed by Scripps Howard News Service, http://www.scrippsnews.com)