A campaign aimed at helping adult children talk to their parents

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He was a war veteran, a business owner and a man who always took care of himself. But in the last months of his life, he lost control of his bladder.His family didn't talk about it, instead protecting his mattress with padding because he refused to wear Depends. They didn't talk about a lot of things, like the time he fell in the shower and needed help."It was embarrassing for him," said Sue Eli of Ventura, Calif., who was his daughter-in-law. "He was such a proud man. I didn't want to take away his dignity."Concerned about the lack of family discussions about aging, a seniors-home-care business commissioned a study asking 1,000 baby boomers across the nation what they struggle to talk about with their parents. The adult children listed erratic driving, hygiene, behavior that could be linked to dementia and their parents' financial resources.The study was published last year and has triggered a new public education campaign aimed at helping adult children talk to their parents.The people surveyed said the most difficult topic was whether their parents could live alone safely. Another taboo was sex. Only about 30 percent of the boomers said they were "very comfortable" talking to their parents about issues related to romance.That conversation stopper can emerge when a senior is widowed and begins dating again, said Jake Harwood, a communications professor at the University of Arizona who wrote the book "Understanding Communication and Aging.""I think it often comes up in the context of money," Harwood said, suggesting the children are afraid the suitor is after money.Many boomers say they can broach any topic with their parents. Seniors marking bingo sheets recently at the Camarillo (Calif.) Senior Center said the same thing."My son has asked me, 'Do you think you'd like to date?' " said Ethel Foy, a twice-widowed Camarillo resident who likes traveling to Laughlin, Nev., casinos to play the penny slots. "I said no. I just want to enjoy my life."An 82-year-old man talked about the eventual end of his life, saying he wants to die at home and not in a nursing home. Do his four kids know that?"I don't know," he said. "I never really talked it over with them."Lori Bliss, a case manager at the Senior Concerns adult-day-care center in Thousand Oaks, Calif., hears the stories every day."I get calls from families who say Mom and Dad should probably not live independently and they don't know how to broach the topic," she said.Even when adult children figure out how to talk to their parents about selling the house or a diet of TV dinners, it might be a one-way conversation. Often, seniors refuse to talk, in part because they struggle with having to depend on their children for help or guidance."The roles have been reversed," said 84-year-old Shiphrah Maller of Camarillo as she got ready for bingo. "My daughter is my mother now. In order to keep peace, I go along with most of what she says or I just listen and do what I want."About 31 percent of the boomers surveyed said parent-child dynamics were the biggest roadblocks to communication. Other barriers included physical issues, feelings of being unprepared, living far away from parents and fear.The survey was funded by Home Instead Senior Care, a company that provides medication reminders, housekeeping, meals and other in-home care to seniors. The company has regional offices across the country.Home Instead is launching a public awareness campaign called 40-70, encouraging people who have reached 40 or have parents 70 or older to start conversations about independence, driving and similar topics. The campaign includes a Web site at www.4070talk.com and a free booklet with topics like "Did Dad Hit a Light Pole?"Harwood said adult children should ask questions rather than pass judgments. Have the conversation in a place where you've had good discussions before, like a favorite restaurant or on a hike.He also acknowledged that semantics and strategy likely won't make a painful conversation easy. "You've got to bite the bullet and be part of the process," he said.(Contact Tom Kisken of the Ventura County Star in California at www.venturacountystar.com.)