How to defend yourself in work conflicts

Maybe work conflicts would be easier to navigate if we could all just duke it out.

Imagine the meetings: Instead of disagreeing orally, a worker could lunge across the conference table, place the manager in a choke hold and demand that he say "Uncle."

Alas, work conflict is more subtle and hence a little more difficult to defuse.

Enter Deborah Brown-Volkman, a career coach who has come up with a list of tips on how to defend yourself at work.

In the modern workplace, she said, there is tremendous pressure to exceed last quarter's numbers. Work is expected to be done faster, and workers are expected to be reachable 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

"All of this stress can have an effect on you and the people you work with. As a result, from time to time, co-workers may snap at you," she said. "They do not mean it. The pressure has gotten the better of them in the moment."

So, now that you know, the trick is not to let the behavior pass because the inappropriate comment unaddressed can quickly become the inappropriate pattern.

The problem is that most people avoid conflict and feel that a talk with the person who upset them will turn into a confrontation.

"People are afraid. They think it's going to end badly, but the goal is communication," she said.

Before becoming a career coach, Brown-Volkman held jobs in large corporations and small tech firms, where she saw the pressures to perform.

Corporate jobs have become like a reality show in which workers can be severed from their employment if the company is not doing well. "It's survival. It's competitive."

Given all that, it's important for people to be able to take care of themselves in their workplace when a co-worker bothers them.

Her first tip is to address the inappropriate behavior. She said the best time to address it is immediately; but if that won't work, it's all right to take the time you need.

"Not everyone has the perfect words to say all the time, especially if what was said to you was hurtful," she said. "If you need time to assess a situation or think before you speak, then take the time you need. There is no time limit on your ability to have a conversation with someone at your job."

The next step, which is actually part of the first step, is to let your co-worker know what you want going forward.

The conversation should not be confrontational. Don't come at it with a hey-jerk-back-off attitude; instead, say what he or she did and what you would like the person to do in the future.

"Do you want them to stop interrupting you in meetings? Then, say so. Do you want them to stop taking credit for your work? Then, say so," she said.

The conversation should always end with your thanks to your co-worker. After all, the person took the time to listen, and you should be appreciative of that.

Finally, as they say in Brooklyn, "fuggedaboutit" and move on.

(Ann Belser can be reached at abelser(at)post-gazette.com. For more stories visit scrippsnews.com)