Resolutions for you to follow

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With Christmas come and gone, it is time to start thinking about New Year's resolutions. As my own track record for keeping resolutions is not great, I have decided to do something different this year.I have chosen to make resolutions for other people. Yes, these resolutions are likely to be broken, but the same could be said for any I might make for myself. Moreover, making resolutions for others is in the spirit of the age. It is merely an extension of outsourcing.Please take your pick of the following resolutions according to your needs, bearing in mind that I will only be wishing you well.- Lose weight. Americans by and large, but mostly large, are way too fat. If you people would only exercise and eat less, you would lose those excess pounds. Of course, if you actually did this, pigs would fly by for most of you and the sight of aerial pork chops would take your minds off your diets.Enough of your excuses. Resolve to stick with the program. The reason I am so adamant about this is that I have noticed plump persons lately coming up to stand next to me so that they will look thinner by comparison. Sometimes it looks like I have the Verizon team in the TV commercial lurking at my shoulder, only fatter.This is not the sort of popularity I want. I just want to be left alone so that I can enjoy a doughnut.If you don't have a diet to follow, I have one I devised myself. It first appeared in print 11 years ago and since then millions of people like yourself have ignored it. And we wonder why there's a national obesity crisis?Here's a week of calorie-busting action:Monday: Delicious raw carrots. All the water you can drink.Tuesday: Toasted cork board. It looks like fiber bread but you won't be tempted to overdo it. Don't spare that water!Wednesday: Boiled spinach. Yummy! Treat yourself today -- you've earned it. Have a grape (peeled).Thursday: Prunes. Skimmed yak milk.Friday: Ballottine d'agneau rotie a la Perigourdine. Don't speak French? No worries: Substitute the cork board.Saturday: Chicken without its skin.Sunday: Skin without its chicken.Repeat until you feel thin or homicidal.- Exercise. My diet will count for nothing -- except a few private laughs for myself -- if you do not exercise. I advise paddle tennis.Paddle tennis, more properly called platform tennis, is played largely in the Northeastern states during the winter. The ball is rubber and the court is enclosed in chicken wire, in case any players turn chicken in the heat of battle and need to be constrained.The rules of regular tennis largely apply, with the exception that the ball can be played off the wire, giving a racquetball-like dimension to the game. Only doubles is played because, well, misery likes company.The game is very addictive. While other people are hunkered down in their cozy homes developing a drinking habit, the paddlers are out there a-paddling through the snow and sleet and rain. It is, of course, a ridiculous pastime, but it is also a way of spending many hours without a knife and fork or glass in your hand.Admittedly, I haven't lost weight myself playing paddle tennis, but that's only because I am not very good. However, I have developed cat-like reflexes. Why, just the other day, I tripped on the carpet at home and fell lightly on the sofa, where my wife found me several hours later, curled up and purring.- Develop a sense of humor. I am tempted to do this myself, but I am hoping to be a curmudgeon when I grow up. Still, it is my core belief that we are given two choices in this life: to laugh or to cry.One thing that distresses me is that, while this column has many good friends, I am in desperate need of a better class of enemy. The ones I have are a miserable crew. A platoon of clowns couldn't deliver them a joke by parachuting into their yard.Many years ago, I visited the leper colony at Kalaupapa on Molokai in the Hawaiian Islands. I will always remember a sign there that said: "Smile -- It No Break Your Face."That's a great truth. Smiling doesn't break your face, although it will do nothing for your grammar.Let it be resolved then: In 2008, you will be thin and active and full of fun. I will have another doughnut. Happy New Year.(Reg Henry is a columnist for the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette. His email address is rhenry(at)post-gazette.com.)(Distributed by Scripps Howard News Service.)