Pitching 'Beowulf'

By DALE McFEATTERS
Scripps Howard News Service
Thursday, November 08, 2007

On Nov. 16 the Robert Zemeckis film "Beowulf" opens in theaters nationwide. The question arises: How does an epic poem, at least 1,200 years old, written in archaic English and with a rambling, improbable plot, become a modern-day movie? As one possible answer, we offer this little script of the meeting where "Beowulf" is being pitched to a Hollywood studio ...

"Boss, great idea for a film. We should do 'Beowulf.' "

"You know animal films don't do well. Don't you have anything with a lonely small boy and a single father? Maybe the boy befriends an injured wolf who later returns to save him from a forest fire."

"No, no. This is kind of '300' meets 'The Host,' that Korean flick about the monster in the river who keeps snatching people."

"Well, '300' did great box office. I don't know about the Korean film."

"Look, there's lot of sword fighting, posturing and roistering. And we can animate most of it."

"Roistering?"

"You know, drinking and feasting in big banquet halls. Bad table manners. Lots of manly bonding."

"Give me a little plot but not a lot of details. We're only going to change it all anyway."

"See, there's this great warrior in Scandinavia named Beowulf ..."

"That's like Sweden and Denmark, right? If we have to do location, couldn't we set it in Italy or somewhere close, like San Diego?"

"No, we need that kind of Viking atmosphere, and there may be some English majors out there who actually know the story."

"OK, but so long as it's not in winter."

"And Beowulf is summoned by King Hrothgar ..."

"Hrothgar? Where are you getting these names? Audiences don't relate to people called Hrothgar. Although come to think of it, Warner Brothers got away with 'Dumbledore.' "

"Anyway, Hrothgar's kingdom is being terrorized by a monster named Grendel. But, first, Beowulf has to prove himself in a contest with Unferth ..."

"Unferth? Oh, please."

"So Grendel shows up that night and, after a long fight, Beowulf hacks off the monster's arm. Grendel flees to his mother's cave ..."

"This monster has a mother?"

"He does indeed, and this is the best part. She's kind of a big slithering reptile type. Beowulf kills Grendel, for real this time, and gets into a real long battle with Grendel's mother until finally he pulls out this magic sword and lops off her head. Beowulf goes back home and becomes king."

"That's it? Roll credits?"

"That's pretty much it."

"So assuming we actually took on this turkey, who do you see as the leads?"

"Ray Winstone as Beowulf. Anthony Hopkins as Hrothgar. And Angelina Jolie as Grendel's mother."

"Angelina Jolie as a giant lizard. Who'd pay to see that?"

"She'd be nude."

"You know, this 'Beowulf' thing of yours is starting to have possibilities. Who wrote it? We don't want to get the picture made and then have some crazy lady with 20 cats suing us because we stole her idea."

"Actually, no one knows who wrote it. And we can rewrite the story as much as we like because the original is written in Old English, which nobody can read anyway. 'Him was full boren ond freond-lapu wordum bewaegned ...' Stuff like that."

"So when was this masterpiece of yours written?"

"Sometime in the eighth or ninth century."

"You mean ..."

"That's right. It's all in the public domain. No copyrights, no royalties."

"And what if the writers go on strike, as they say they're going to?"

"We've already got a backup shooting script. It's called the CliffsNotes."

"Sparky, I think we've got ourselves a movie. Angelina Jolie as a nude lizard. I like it."