ShareThisBy BARTON GOLDSMITH
Scripps Howard News Service
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
On several occasions my desire to see the good in people has blinded me to the arguably brutal negativity that some misdirected souls feel entitled to inflict on others. Perhaps the greatest betrayal is when someone we trust is mean to us.
Some people use meanness to get their way. Sometimes it's a pouty mean, the kind we use when we are children to give a voice to our powerlessness. At other times meanness can be an equalizer, giving someone the perception that they can protect themselves from an emotional terrorist.
People who try to vanquish negativity in this manner usually are overmatched. It's also hard to keep mean energy inside you if you are not really a mean person. And yes, unfortunately, truly mean people do exist.
Some overtly aggressive humans act out in ways they sense will make their victims cower.
Most normal people who are being treated this way will submit to almost anything to get rid of the pain and anxiety. Mean people also enjoy the feeling of power that their behavior gives them. For them, being mean is an addiction, and the meanness becomes something they try to keep burning inside themselves. They must be unaware of how this type of personality will eventually destroy their relationships and any love that might come their way.
It seems there is more meanness today than before. I witness rudeness to service people who are doing their jobs with a smile, teenagers insulting each other as though it were an art form, and separated couples trying fruitlessly to seek revenge through the courts and their children.
Everyone wants to win, and most who get into this pattern will stop at nothing. When this happens, everyone ends up losing.
If you have to deal with a mean person on a regular basis, here are three things you can do:
-- Get support. Telling someone what you are going through will help give you a place to put your pain and perhaps give you some perspective. Whether this is a one-time event or an ongoing tragedy, the benefit of sharing your feelings will help to heal them.
-- Realize you have a choice. If you've been brought up around mean people, being around someone who understands and is sensitive can be an eye-opener. Not everyone behaves in a toxic manner. Choose to associate with people who are kind.
-- Get out of the way. Most people leave their jobs because they don't get along with their bosses. It's OK to leave or to end something if you are being abused. This goes for personal as well as professional relationships.
I don't think I've ever seen someone respond positively to meanness. It's a poor tactic and never works in the end. If you are mean, give it up.
Like the song says, "Mean people suck."
(Dr. Barton Goldsmith is a marriage and family therapist in Westlake, Calif. Contact him at Barton(at)BartonGoldsmith.com. For more stories visit scrippsnews.com)
My boyfriend and I are truly
My boyfriend and I are truly and happily in love. Or so I thought. I thought it was normal for couples to get upset and argue. And then work them out by communicating our truer feelings. However my boyfriend has informed me that I am just a mean person. That I talk down to him and that it is perfectly acceptable for him to change his plans on a whim - as in he told me he was coming home at one time and then shows up two hours after said time, expecting me to be loving and accepting - even if I have just woken up (it usually takes me a minute to adjust after being asleep for more than two hours - and he is fully aware of this - if I feel hurt by his actions I usually voice them however by doing so he will ignore me for the rest of the evening and hopefully enlighten me in the morning as to why he did so. He told me I was talking down to him - why couldn't he just express this early on? It makes it hard for me to talk to him when I feel he has done something wrong. In the beginning of our relationship if something bothered him he would expect me to talk to him or to apologize for my actions - which I have tried wholeheartedly to do if I know which specific action that I have made, that has hurt him - but if he chooses to ignore me and tell me that everything is fine, even though I can tell by his body language and lack of interaction with me, I will never know what I have done wrong and I will never be able to correct it.Instead I will try to work it out in my own head without his input which will only add to the problem. I hold this man very high on a pedestal in my mind. He is wonderful sweet kind and caring - when he wants to be. He is always making sacrifices for others and works more than his share. I would never want to hurt him intentionally, if I do so inadvertently then I would want him to by all means express his feelings so we can grow as a couple and be happy with one another, or at least have an understanding of how the other is feeling. We have very limited free time together so when it is wasted like so I feel like I am being torn apart inside. I feel it is very hypocritical of him to tell me to talk to him when I am upset but it is okay for him to ignore me when he is upset. I want more than anything for him to be happy. He tells me he loves me so much - unlike any woman he has loved before - So I can not understand him when he chooses to just cut me off. I don't feel like we are trying for the same things which only makes me want to be upset with him - which then would only amplify the said "meaness" I have. I want to be able to get past this with him, I don't want to have make a compromise I don't want it all or nothing - I want us to be able to work on what we have and make it better. I want to establish good grounds where we can communicate about the troubles we have.
I can understand why he would try to go on the internet and seek answers, however I think it would be more beneficial to come to me so we can work it out together. I have seen some of the articles he has read and I am scared. I do not know what he truly thinks and I am starting to wonder if I ever knew how he really felt about me. After finding your article saved to his bookmarks I am even more concerned. All people are different all people have a different way of reacting to different situations. I just hope he has enough sense to take in to account my point of view. Don't get me wrong of course if someone was talking down to me I would be offended especially someone I loved and cared for - but I would also ask myself why are they acting this way? Have I done something to offend them as well? And if so how can we work this out so we both feel comfortable. The way we are handling this now if not beneficial to either of us. Obviously I am doing something wrong - maybe I should start expressing myself differently but should I really compromise myself for someone who chooses to punish me so severely and not tell me why. Punishing me by taking away something I love so much is not going to teach me a good lesson. It could be simply I say something offensive and then he ignores me all night - but hey we'll be okay again in the morning when he wants some loving so I won't change anything I do but just endure the pain until he wants me again.
ur man
Well, if you found this page in his bookmarks, he thinks your a meenie obviously!---or not. This could be for a co-worker or an overbearing boss. You will doom yourself and your relationship by #1. not allowing him time flexibility (got home late). Just remember, he could be staying out all night and coming back at 5 in the morning, whether it be an addiction or another woman, you should definitely not get on him for that. After all, if you were out with some fun co-workers or girls night out and had a set time you wanted to come home but ended up wanting to stay just a bit longer, would you want him wigging out on you? Probably not.
#2. Men don't like to be insulted/criticized. Whether it be about their manhood, what they are doing or simply talking to him like he's three, he won't stand for that for too long. And yes, there is another woman out there that will NOT talk down to him. Be the one and you can eliminate the other. It may take some training and you have to focus on just about every interaction you two have. It takes I think 90 days to kick a bad habit (its online somewhere) so watch yourself for a few months. When you find yourself needing to say something that he already knows about, and catch your tone! If you can't correct yourself with a straight face or without getting upset, just tell him you need a minute and walk away and get some fresh air. Come back in reminding yourself of everything you said in your post. You love him, you are happy with him, etc etc etc. Remember, he already has a mother, if his parents are divorced and remarried, then he has two!
#3. Kick your insecurities. Your whole post was so insecure.I just recently read an article that me hate insecure, clingy women. Being like this tends to make a woman take control of situations too much and men love to be leaders (some may not). The whole pride and head of the household thing. I also read that where women value the time that they spend and love large amounts of time with the one they love, men can be different. More independent and explorative (not in a cheating sense either) and of course, to shoot the u no what with the guys. Don't make the mistake of being too insecure to not be able to handle being without him being there every second of 'your free time'. get a hobby, go to the store and get a bunch of chic magazines to go through or a good book. Get the latest chic flick from the rental store that you know he wouldn't watch with you...ever. Sometimes quality time away makes everything fresh and new when you get back together. If he tells you he loves you and more than any other woman etc...then KNOW you have nothing to worry about. Remember there is nothing to fear but fear itself (fear can tear apart a relationship, keep people from seeing the world (fear of flying) etc.) Even if your time is limited due to jobs, etc. then when you get back together it will be that much better, it can be a really wonderful rush, embrace it! After all, when you two are old and gray and retired and stuck around each other 24-7, you'll look back at this and say to yourself, "what was I thinking, I should have enjoyed the breaks i had back in the day!" Anyone that age will tell you life is too short to be the way you are. As far as his staying away from you for 'punishment' he is simply trying to get a point across and wants you to feel as hurt as he is. Leave him alone and blow it of to we agree to disagree. Go watch a comedy or make a mouth watering dessert, he'll be approaching you in no time when he hears you laughing or smells brownies cooking in the oven!!! Don't pine away in the other room or make it a point to walk past him a million times an hour to give him the opportunity to speak to you or give your the opportunity to make comments or give dirty looks, it don't work.
#4 Stop looking through his stuff, period. Me and my other half have whole heartedly agreed that we do not look through each others cell phones, emails or anything to that extent. We have both been in relationships where it was constantly done. A flirty, not even racy text to a fat co-worker that you would never think of doing anything with (but you just teasing to help them with a little confidence boost, etc) becomes a completely stupid argument. A man's world is not something that i particularly want to be a part of, so he can have his world to himself. This has taken extreme amounts of self control on my part and I wonder if it does for him too sometimes. In one office episode, jim finds out pam is out partying while in school and starts to drive up to 'pop' in on her. On the way there he turns around and says "We don't have that kind of relationship" and goes back home. funny how a stupid comedy had such a profound statement. So, when I find myself falling into jealousy cycles, wanting to spy, etc. I simply stop, take a deep breath, and remind myself, "we don't have that kind of relationship" Not only will you have less anxiety and paranoia, but you'll be more relaxed and OMG HAPPY when you are with him rather than focusing on the article bookmarked on his internet that could have absolutely nothing to do with you. Are you truly surrendering yourself to love if you choose not to take the trust route? If you notice changes in behavior, distancing etc. Again, don't spy, talk to him. You as a person engaged in this relationship do have the right to question whether is losing interest, is seeing another woman, etc. But to treat someone you love like a naughty teenager or criminal is just wrong.
#5 Even if it fails. If you do everything stated and it still goes awry, hey, you did everything in your power to keep this person happy, you respected boundaries, personal time, etc. Then ultimately you deserve better. But from what you've stated in your post, you probably have absolutely nothing to worry about. Oh and when he distances himself from you after he feels 'talked down to.' just remember that is not him wanting to break up, its just him needing a break from you at that moment. Yes, sometimes the bedroom stuff comes into play to break the ice. But if you think about it, women are the ones that are good about showing affection, to men it can be very awkward. Men very much revere the bed stuff and a lot of them feel that it is a way for them to show affection. If you are not receptive to it, it could just make things worse or make him feel like you don't want him. If anything, use it to get more foreplay out of the deal and make him work for it, and by god, enjoy being with him! Definitely a fun way to spend quality time!
I have found that the reason they say that relationships take a lot of work is because it does. (and the one i'm in i've never worked so hard in my dang life, and I won't sugar coat it, yes it can be very frustrating. But once you are able to establish the patterns above, over time it becomes easier, but there is always temptation to break rules and thats the toughy.) If you love the person enough to do things right, you'll do a lot of self reflection and self control to make the proper compromises. if you notice on my list here there is nothing about changing who you are, your personality, or yourself physically (obviously if a guy wants those altered then they are probably not the guy for you cause he isn't accepting you for who you are). It is just changing how you think and controlling your own behavior--and that is tons of work!
what are you using this
what are you using this forum about cars to explain your personal situation? Sounds like this guy is an ass anyway.
cars?
cars?
mean sibling
Hi:
Can living with mean people cause depression?
I am going through a really
I am going through a really tough time. I am 27 and unfortunately until I get on my feet have to live at my parents house with my two children. They have been really mean to me from putting me down, calling me names and saying thsat they love their other three kids and not me. :-( It really hurts me nto the point of not wanting to live anymore. I am so sad and broken down. I am treated this way even from my brother and so called sister that I hate for ther way she treats me. The only sister or person that cares about me has passed on. I am so tired of this treatment. I am going to school for nursing so I can get on my feet and support my two beautiful children. They also have to live in this hostile environment. All I want is to be happy. My self esteem is so broken down. I wish I had an out other then death. Maybe i am this horrible bad person causwe why are so many people in my family so mean to me. I try so hard to by presents for people just so they will show me some kindness but they do for that breif moment thern its back to treatin me mean. I often sit there and dream that my family will start being kind to me they way that I am kind to them. Maybe i will meet a nice kind man that will love me for me and get me out of this horrible environment that me and my kids have to endure. If not, There will be a day when i graduate nursing school and get that break where I can finally be free and away from this meaness.