By ROB OWEN
Pittsburgh Post-Gazette
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
For someone who complains about how she's mistreated by the press and so misunderstood, there are smarter ways for Paula Abdul to spend her time than to coax the spotlight her way for a series in addition to "American Idol."
But that's exactly what she does for Bravo's "Hey Paula" (10 and 10:30 p.m. EDT Thursday, June 28), yet another celebreality show that pretty much begs viewers to sneer at the spoiled celebrity in the title.
Perception aside, Paula tries her best to convince viewers that she's really not that different from them.
"Everywhere I go, people recognize me," she says in narration that sounds scripted. "My fans are my life. At first, they see me as a celebrity but they quickly realize I'm just an everyday girl."
A demanding, mercurial everyday girl who's unwilling to take responsibility for something as simple as the location of her ID, needed to board a cross-country flight. I write this as someone who's even willing to give her the benefit of considerable doubt, given her past behavior, that she's telling the truth when she says she's never been drunk.
In "Hey Paula," viewers see the "Idol" judge surrounded by her sycophantic hired hands -- publicist Jeff, stylists Daniel and Kylie -- who get all the blame when she behaves like a child. When Kylie shows Paula a $1 million bracelet and other pricey jewelry, Paula lets her four tiny dogs run wild among the gems and laughs her head off when one almost swallows a ring. This comes after Kylie frets aloud that a dog may eat a ring.
Viewers also learn it takes Paula four hours to get "red-carpet-ready," presumably because she goofs off during much of the time, and that she wants what she wants when she wants it (black shoes will not do for a cross-country flight; with a death glare she demands that her white shoes be brought to her).
In the premiere episode, Paula travels to QVC to hawk jewelry live on the air at 1 a.m., and while I can sort of empathize with her disappointment when the products are not up to her high standards, my understanding for her unwillingness to suffer fools gladly expires right around the time she says, "This is not my vision." Paula, you're selling jewelry on QVC and, um, well, you're not a noted jewelry maker -- of course, it's not your vision!
While I'm sure Paula envisioned this show as image rehab, it doesn't appear to have worked out that way. But for her fans and haters alike, it's the TV equivalent of high-calorie but satisfyingly entertaining junk food.
"Burn Notice"
TV's current most overused device -- voiceover narration -- reaches its nadir in USA Network's "Burn Notice" (10 p.m. Thursday, June 28), the story of blacklisted spy Michael Weston (Jeffrey Donovan). Michael talks, chatters and babbles endlessly, to the point that you wonder if talking is his secret weapon to force his enemies into submission: "Just shut up and we'll do whatever you want!"
Some of his observations are smart (about how to believably leave fingerprints on a gun), some tortured metaphors ("Blackmail is a little like having a pit bull: It might protect you or it might bite your hand off"); there are just too many of them.
Thankfully, co-stars show up occasionally -- though not frequently enough -- to keep Michael from being the only one yammering away.
Semi-settled in Miami after a U.S. intelligence agency disavows him -- getting dropped is called receiving a "burn notice" -- Michael has an annoying mother (Sharon Gless) who drops in to dispense guilt trips, a washed-up military-intelligence buddy (an under-used Bruce Campbell) and an ex-girlfriend who's also a former IRA operative (the lovely Gabrielle Anwar, most recently see in "The Tudors").
The "Burn Notice" premiere runs more than an hour without commercials, making the endurance test of Michael's talking even more pronounced. The show has a good cast, but the co-stars need more to do and someone needs to put tape over Michael's mouth so Anwar and Campbell can get a word in edgewise.
(Rob Owen can be reached at rowen(at)post-gazette.com.)
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