By MARYLYNNE PITZ
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Colleen Sullivan recalls meeting a man through an online dating service a few years ago.
"He looked nothing like the photo he sent," she said. "Actually, I think he sent me a photo of someone else."
Sullivan, who lives in Duluth, Ga., believes it's wrong to lie online. But not everybody thinks so.
In fact, one-quarter of single people believe it's OK to tell white lies while searching online for companionship.
That's according to a recent survey by Engage.com, a Web site where singles invite family and friends to play matchmaker. More than 600 single adults answered questions about manners and behavior, and 24 percent of them said it's OK to tell white lies online. Of those surveyed, more men than women, 30 percent vs. 19 percent, think untruths are OK.
Less tolerable behaviors included posting outdated photos (11 percent nixed this) and retouching photos (12 percent disliked it).
The "Manners and Behavior" survey showed that income (21 percent) was the primary subject that singles said it is OK to fudge about in their online profiles. That was followed by weight and body type (16 percent) and age (14 percent).
Regardless of the setting, some people lie, said Sam Yagan, co-founder of OK Cupid, a free online dating service that he started in 2003 with two of his fellow Harvard classmates, Chris Coyne and Max Kohn.
"It's more about what people lie about. For example, if I meet someone at a bar, I can't very well lie about my height or my weight. I'm not that tall and a little pudgy," Yagan said in a telephone interview.
But liars and fudgers, beware. If your online romance leads to marriage and ends in divorce, that misleading online profile can haunt you in ways that really hurt. A few years ago in a California court, a lawyer used a woman's misleading online photograph as the basis for an attack on her character in a child-custody dispute.
One problem with Internet dating is that bored or unhappily married people are looking for potential partners, too, but rarely admit the fact that they're already attached.
Carol Mills McCarthy, a Pittsburgh lawyer who handles divorces, has seen clients who sought a divorce after their spouse met someone else online.
"Or, they want a divorce because they met someone online," McCarthy added.
If you are determined to weed out undesirables and are willing to pay $50, you can do background checks on potential dates by using a Web site called Intelius.
Larry Yu, a spokesman for Intelius.com, based in suburban Seattle, said the check will reveal criminal records, address history, bankruptcies, small claims or judgments, property ownership and relatives and associates. Or, you can join a dating Web site called True.com, which conducts criminal and marital background checks on all of its members.
The shadier side of human nature appears in the real world, too, Yagan said, adding that "I don't think it's the case that people who date online are rampant liars. People tell white lies about whatever they can get away with."
Offline, Yagan said, people are much more likely to lie in person about things like marital status, what kind of job they have or income.
Online, "people are often lying more about their physical appearance," Yagan said, adding that a woman might post "the one good picture" she took in the last year.
The most common complaint among people who date online is that people lie about that sensitive subject of age.
"She says she's 29. She could be 29, she could be 39," Yagan said.
Joelle Kaufman, a vice president with Engage.com, said that both women and men who took the survey said that they feel pressure to present themselves as younger than they really are.
Sullivan's dating adventures finally turned out on the positive side. She ended up meeting her fiance on eHarmony.com in November 2005 and is planning a wedding in May.
(Pittsburgh Post-Gazette staff writer Marylynne Pitz may be reached at mpitz(at)post-gazette.com.)
Post new comment