Our big day in L.A.

By MARK PATINKIN
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
One of the goals of parenting is to show your child something memorable. This time, I knew I'd done it. I was in California with my 12-year-old son for a cousin's wedding, and added a day to see Los Angeles. I even decided to nix Disneyland since he'd seen that in Orlando.

I was going to show him true L.A. culture.

We flew in to LAX early, rented a car and made it to the legendary Venice Beach around 10 a.m.

Even I was stunned by it. It was the widest beach I'd ever seen from shore to sidewalk. It was the Pacific Ocean in its glory.

"What do you think, Zach?" I said.

He turned his back on it and pointed to a T-shirt shop.

"Can we check that out?" he asked.

I looked back at the waves.

"Look," I said, "you can see the whole coast from here."

"Isn't that a T-shirt of Stewie?"

Stewie is the acerbic baby in one of his favorite cartoon TV shows, "Family Guy."

"You know," I said, "there are T-shirt shops back home."

Apparently, that wasn't relevant. We went into the shop. The featured item was a black shirt for a motorcyclist that had this on the back: "If you can read this, my girlfriend fell off." Only they didn't use the word "girlfriend." Zach browsed for 15 minutes. At last, I coaxed him out of the store, and back toward the ocean. We paused at Muscle Beach and the handball courts.

But soon, we were back at another T-shirt shop. Then a poster shop. Then a place that, for $5, would put your name on a grain of rice.

I told Zach he could buy two authentic California items. He picked out a poster from "Boondock Saints," one of his favorite movies.

"You can get that anywhere," I said.

"Dad, come on."

He also got the Stewie T-shirt.

We put the poster in the car and drove a few miles to the Santa Monica Pier. It stretches into the ocean and is filled with everything from a Ferris wheel to people fishing. It was lunchtime, and I resolved to find a real California restaurant for Zach. But he wanted to eat at the Bubba Gump Shrimp Company, a national chain. The last time I took him to Manhattan, we ate at the Bubba Gump Shrimp Company in Times Square. It's a 12-year-old's approach to dining: When in exotic locations, eat at a franchise.

As we sat down, I told him he should at least order a shrimp dish.

He ordered fried chicken. He also got a chocolate milk shake, drank it in 90 seconds and was mostly full by the time his main course arrived.

We got back in the car and I wound my way to the heart of Beverly Hills to show him Rodeo Drive, one of the world's fanciest shopping stretches.

I pointed out Tiffany, Louis Vuitton, Gucci and Prada.

"Pretty cool, huh?" I said.

No answer. I glanced at the passenger seat. Zach was asleep. I made a mental note that 12-year-old boys aren't interested in Rodeo Drive.

I drove to Hollywood. My plan was to show him the Walk of Fame, and the handprints of the superstars at Grauman's Chinese Theatre. Before we got there, Zach spotted the Ripley's Believe it or Not museum.

"We can buy 10 Ripley's books back home," I said.

"But it looks so cool," he said.

We bought two tickets and spent an hour looking at such things as photos of tribespeople who stretch out their lower lips with plates.

Afterward, I managed to resist his pleas to see the Guinness World Records Museum. Instead, we did the Walk of Fame, though Zach was mostly interested in giving a dollar to a street performer who was handing out plastic Slinkys for tips.

After Hollywood, we headed across town to the La Brea Tar Pits museum, where, in the heart of the city, they are still excavating fossils of saber-toothed tigers. That held Zach's attention for almost nine minutes, but the high point was at the exit shop when he got to buy an inflatable balloon toy that made rude noises when he let the air out.

For dinner, we stopped at a restaurant nearby that claimed to have classic California cuisine. Zach got pasta with red sauce and french fries, which he has ordered for dinner at every restaurant for the past eight years or so.

We drove back to the airport. While waiting at the gate for the red-eye flight, Zach rummaged through his keepsakes from the day. He checked out his "Boondock Saints" poster, his Stewie T-shirt, his Slinky and his balloon that made rude noises.

Based on all that, he decided L.A. was pretty cool.