ShareThisBy BARTON GOLDSMITH
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Mark Twain said: "Love seems the swiftest, but is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century."
Twain may have experienced the common occurrence of once being very angry at his partner _ so angry that he and his partner both must have thought a breakup was inevitable, and yet they stayed together, only to realize that whatever the argument was about, it had been forgotten over the years.
The gift of time gives us the ability to make up for almost any error, whether it is callous or contrived. This is a form of matrimonial magic that couples often forget. With time and talk, most all of our normal transgressions can be forgiven and some even forgotten.
Yes, there are acts that should not be treated as such _ violence being the one that stands out the most _ but even infidelity can be a growth step in a marriage. I have witnessed the latter many times in the past two decades of working with couples.
If you're going through a rough time, don't just pack up and leave. Sit down together and force yourselves to talk it out. In all likelihood, you will become a stronger couple for it. Even if you don't resolve all your differences, you will end up in a place where there is more understanding and less hurt. To my way of thinking, it is well worth the effort.
Most people don't employ the patience necessary to make things better. These days, many people decide to leave before considering all their options and, more importantly, before taking the time to fully investigate the situation. This means looking at your life as a whole: what it was like before your courtship, what it has been like during your relationship, and what it could look like if you choose to stick it out and heal the wounds or, alternatively, to end it.
A good general rule is to give the relationship at least another six months before deciding to move on. Time is our friend when it comes to getting closer and building bonds. If you cut and run before you resolve or at least fully understand your differences, you will very likely repeat the same behaviors and make the same choices and mistakes in your next relationship. The only difference will be that it's with another person.
It's wise to remember not to throw away a relationship, just because you think something better may come along. You may find it inspirational to talk with some couples who have been together for over a decade. Ask them how they did it and what the pluses and minuses are.
Take your time before making any life-altering decisions. I have had a number of people sit on the therapy couch and tell me that they regret leaving their relationship, and there's no going back. Many marriages don't work out, but don't let impatience be the reason you give up.
(Barton Goldsmith, Ph.D., author of "Emotional Fitness for Couples" can be reached at Barton(at)BartonGoldsmith.com)
