ShareThisBy REG HENRY
Sunday, November 12, 2006
With the midterm election serving as a cold shower applied to the national libido, especially with the horrible spectacle of the politicians having their wicked way with the facts, we can all be forgiven for having a collective headache. But romance needs to be revived before the winter cuddling season is upon us.
Unfortunately, a recent Associated Press trend story brings disturbing news. Apparently what comes naturally needs some unnatural help in this era of busy, stressful lives. Hotels around the world are marketing themselves in order to attract couples who are trying to have a baby.
As the AP story reported: "Resorts are offering on-site sex doctors, romantic advice and exotic food and drink calculated to put lovers in the mood and hasten the pitter-patter of little feet."
A married couple quoted in the story went on a three-day Procreation Vacation at a resort on Grand Bahamas Island, where they drank a Caribbean fertility potion made from sea moss. This may have done the trick, because the wife is now pregnant.
While it may seem odd for me to advise people on their romantic lives, I am very grizzled, which arguably puts me in the same league as Dr. Ruth and Sue Johanson. As you know, bald men bring their own wisdom to matters of the heart, especially on the advisability of checking first before you run your fingers through your partner's hair.
And I say that if drinking sea moss elixirs helps puts lovers in the mood, then they should go for it. However, to paraphrase Ogden Nash, who wrote that "Candy/Is dandy/But liquor/Is quicker," I would think that "Sea Moss/Is handy/But Candy/Isn't sandy."
Although I have not had the pleasure of imbibing sea moss myself, many things from the sea have a salty taste and I am not sure couples will be turned on if their breath is reminiscent of herrings.
In the suburbs, where the desperate housewives live, potential procreators are well advised to stick to traditional strategies _ flattery, cajoling, creative sulking and offers of back rubs. When all these fail, including the candy, it is time to follow Ogden Nash's advice.
I am also not convinced that paying for a Procreation Vacation is really the best use of a young couple's funds. That money could be invested in a marital aid _ such as a good dishwasher _ in order to get the spark back in a marriage.
Perhaps a Procreation Vacation would make sense if some shopping were involved for the female partner before the procreation begins. Foreplay is all well and good but forepurchasing is a proven aphrodisiac for many women. Men, of course, are a little easier to arouse _ usually the slightest glance or whistle is enough _ provided that a game isn't on TV.
The fact is that couples don't have to go off to exotic foreign locales just to have some romance. They need to stay at home and work hard so that babies can lay claim to the proud "Made in the USA" label.
Grizzled and carnally knowledgeable as I am, let me explain the steps that need to be taken by stay-at-home, amorously minded couples interested in hearing the patter of little feet _ which I should warn you turn into very large feet in short order, so much so that couples soon ask themselves in Hemingway-esque fashion, "Did the earth move beneath you or was it just the kids coming home in their size 11 boots?"
To experience such joy, couples must first carve out some privacy in their own homes. That means clearing the house of all dogs and relatives, not necessarily in that order.
Then they need to put on some mood music. People in Pittsburgh are known to favor polka classics, which have a very rollicking and happy beat and make the lovers forget any tickling that may inadvertently result.
Finally, to break the humdrum domestic routine, they need to take off all their clothes and put on costumes made from old newspapers. For the ladies, I recommend French maid costumes made out of the Magazine section and, for the gentlemen, lumberjack stylings from the Sports pages.
Why newspapers, you ask? Because we have to sell more of the darn things, and anyway they are not just for packaging sea moss and herrings. That said, just imagine the fun couples can have looking for the stories Continued on Page 17.
Of course, I cannot guarantee the pitter-patter of little feet but perhaps this advice might provide a laugh, which coming after this election might seem its own blessing.
(Reg Henry is a columnist for the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette. E-mail rhenry(at)post-gazette.com)
