"Don't marry him!" was the advice all of my wife's friends gave her when we were dating. Had I been merely her friend, instead of her suitor, I would have offered Becky the same counsel.
I was about as ineligible a bachelor as possible: already into my 40s, in debt and in a going-nowhere job, a divorced single parent of three little daughters whose mother left them to my care, but lurked close enough to intrude upon our lives.
To further hinder my marital prospects, each of the girls suffered learning disabilities, requiring special education and psychiatric counseling. Frankly, I was pretty much of a mess myself, a chronic insomniac prone to self-pity and distraction.
Luckily, Becky didn't listen to her friends, and here we are together 32 years later determined to live happily ever after.
Not that it's been easy for her. When I met Becky she had just emerged from a brutal marriage and divorce and had barely two dimes to rub together. She also realized that, although she would inherit full-time responsibility for my three daughters, I could not give her children of our own. On top of all that, she had to continue working to keep the family afloat financially.
She sounds like a saint, doesn't she? Well, if saints can be sexy and smart, sophisticated and successful, then a saint she is, but she wears her halo lightly. I just thank God she's my wife and that we're still together. The best part of the marriage vows, I believe, is that bit about "'til death do us part." That's the best life insurance anyone could ask for. It's not for sale. Rather, it's an enduring love gift between a couple that rests less on romance than on mutual respect, trust, friendship and affection.
Although Becky and I got our first marriages wrong, we got this one right. We picked ourselves up, dusted ourselves off, and started all over again. Failure isn't at all bad if couples can learn from it.
This year some 2.3 million Americans couples will wed, most of them for the first time. Marriage has been called the triumph of hope over experience. But, as an institution, wedlock has been in trouble for a long time. Nearly half of first marriages end in divorce, twice the failure rate of the 1960s. For those who wed again, the survival rate only worsens. Fully three in five subsequent marriages will fail. The costs are horrendous -- not just in broken hearts, but in shattered spirits, shrinking budgets and neglected children.
In one of Becky's novels she suggests two tests that reveal whether a marriage will survive: Can the couple vacation together without constant quarreling? And: Can they survive hanging wallpaper together? I'm happy to say that we as a couple have passed the first test, and I'm relieved to report that we have never attempted the second.
Life itself may be a predicament, but marriage is a challenge, and a commitment. By rights, it should also be a lifelong celebration. At its best, two of God's creatures discover that by joining forces they can solve life's largest predicament, or at least learn to laugh at it together, loving all the while.
(David Yount's 14th book, to be published in November, is titled "Making a Success of Marriage." He answers readers at P.O. Box 2758, Woodbridge, VA 22195 and dyount31(at)verizon.net.)
AMAZING GRACE
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