Millions of Americans will partake in Thanksgiving feasts. But along with the turkey and all the trimmings, you also get to share the occasion with relatives -- who you may or may not get along with. Grandma Sue is always so critical and Uncle Bill never helps clean up.
Kerry Patterson, co-author of "Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking when Stakes are High," says that with the right set of skills, anyone can confront unruly behavior in a way that will not only mitigate future family disasters, but also rebuild broken family ties.
Here are Patterson's five tips to improve relationships:
-- Work on you first. The biggest reason conversations end in a blowup is due to lack of respect. Don't be judgmental. Ask yourself, "Why would a reasonable and rational person do what they're doing?" Establish a mutual purpose, take care of your own anger and remember to listen.
-- Make it safe. When confronting bad behavior, don't start by diving into the issue. Instead, help the other person know you care about his or her interests and reassure him that it's OK to voice his opinion.
-- Just the facts. When you bring up an issue, avoid using conclusive or inflammatory terms. Sounding superior and smug will only escalate an argument.
-- Tentatively share concerns. Having laid out the facts, tell the person why you're concerned, but don't do it as an accusation -- share it as an opinion.
Explain that you've noticed a certain behavior and ask them if they agree with that assumption.
-- Invite dialogue. After sharing your concerns, encourage the other person to share his -- even if he disagrees with you. One of the best ways to persuade others is to listen to them. Ask them if there something you're missing. You may find out they have a reasonable explanation.
(Lesli J. Neilson can be contacted at lneilson(at)sltrib.com.)
(Distributed by Scripps Howard News Service, www.scrippsnews.com.)
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