ShareThisPicture this scenario, if you will: "Good morning. I'd like to upgrade my cell phone. This one is so old that I can't even get batteries for it anymore and . . . "
"Welcome! We have a number of phones from which you can choose. This model lets you take pictures and stream video and play 'Farmville' and surf the Web and search out a restaurant address and e-mail and text . . . "
"But I just want to make and receive phone calls."
"Are you kidding me? Nobody wants to just 'make phone calls' anymore. This is the 21st century and everybody has to have everything. Can't be out of touch or unable to see YouTube or play 'Guitar Hero' while we drive, now can we?"
"Yes, we can. I don't even make many calls from the car. Seems dangerous to me. I like to call my brother a few times a week and he lives in another state so it's long distance. And I wouldn't mind calling my Aunt Fanny over in Alabama without paying long-distance charges. Gracious, how that woman can talk."
"Why don't you want to text Aunt Fanny or check her Facebook page from your phone? That's almost un-American.
"Now this is the new MaiPhone. You can customize it to call your office while you simultaneously read your e-mail and then go online to connect with your computer at work, all in the time it takes to run that yellow light . . . "
I was imagining the conversation after reading that Apple CEO Steve Jobs unveiled the next iPhone earlier this week, calling it the "biggest leap" the company has taken with the device -- since the first iPhone was unveiled in 2007.
The new phone has a new design, Jobs said excitedly, a "thinner body with more antennas for improved reception," according to a report in USA Today. There's even a second video camera that will permit video calling "and an extra slot for a second noise-canceling microphone." It also has video editing software "for editing on the fly . . . along with titles and transitions and a way to entirely produce, record and export the finished video from the phone," the USA Today report said, almost as excitedly as Jobs.
Whoopee. Now I can go out and make that blockbuster movie I've been working on -- and use the proceeds to pay for what can't really be called a phone at all. It's, oh, so much more. Just what do I really need a cell phone to do?
-- Be available for emergency calls if I break down on the road or will be late getting home.
-- Not be so complicated that I have to get step-by-step technical support to do everything from put a new number in the directory to actually make a call.
-- Just basic black or silver, please.
Why do we have to have little outfits to tog a phone up in to make a statement? Jobs called the new iPhone "one of the most beautiful devices we've ever made." Well, that's just dandy. At $199 to $299, it oughta be pretty enough to take to the prom -- but then you'd have to rent a tiny little tuxedo or a strapless organza gown so it wouldn't be outshone by the other phones and come home in tears.
But wait, the new phone also has a Netflix app that "will allow for viewing entertainment directly on the phone." Nothing like watching an Academy Award-winning movie on a 2-inch by 3-inch screen.
What's the bottom line? It's the bottom line. Combined sales of iPhone, iPad and iPad Touch will surpass 100 million devices this month (yes, I said this month, not this year), according to the report. The only downside? Watch for the next generation in, oh, about six months or so -- prettier and sleeker and more jam-packed with capabilities than ever before. And, yes, I'll admit, I might even call Aunt Fanny more often if I had one. The old dear -- who has the latest version --- just loves making videos for YouTube.
(Bonnie Williams is the editorial page editor of the Anderson (S.C.) Independent-Mail. E-mail williamsbc@independentmail.com)
(Distributed by Scripps Howard News Service, http://www.scrippsnews.com)
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