Thinly Read: 'House Quest' no game for wimps

Welcome to "House Quest," the real-life text-based adventure game. Press "return" to begin.

You are sitting in the kitchen. You see a pile of unwashed laundry, a pile of unwashed dishes and a television. The gutters also need cleaning. Obvious exits are south, east and west.

Turn on television.

You turn on the television. An angry wife appears. The television is physically removed from the kitchen. The gutters still need cleaning.

Look at dishes.

The dishes are encrusted in day-old pasta and burnt cheese from a recent lasagna explosion. They are beyond your mortal powers of scrubbing.

Look at laundry.

It is a significant, but not insurmountable, amount of laundry. It smells faintly of lasagna.

Take laundry east.

You carry the laundry to the basement. The basement is dark and musty, occupied by a washing machine, dryer, tool chest and 28 cardboard boxes. Obvious exits are west.

Load laundry.

You place an enormous amount of detergent and laundry into the washing machine with no pretense toward color sorting. You press the "start" button and hear the rush of water followed by a loud clunk. Nothing happens.

Look at washing machine.

It is a mid-'90s front loader of a reliable brand. It is now inoperable. A service number is printed on the side.

Call number.

You dial the number and wait 40 minutes to be asked if the washing machine is plugged in. The gutters still need cleaning.

Open tool chest.

Are you sure you want to do this? There's a Laundromat down the street.

Open tool chest.

You retrieve a screwdriver from the tool chest and pull the washing machine away from the wall. It is dark and dirty behind the washing machine. You are likely to be eaten by a lurking monster.

Open machine.

You unscrew the rear panel and are presented with an intricate series of belts and hoses, not unlike a mid-'90s automobile of a reliable brand name. Nothing appears to be broken.

Remove hose.

You are covered in sudsy laundry water. The water has spread to 12 of the 28 cardboard boxes.

Go west.

You are in the kitchen. You see a pile of dirty dishes and a very angry wife. I'd take my chances with the monster.

Go south.

You make for the back door but trip on a sleeping dog, landing in a wet, sudsy pile on the rug. Your wife escorts you to a tall ladder on the southeast corner of the house. You spend two hours cleaning gutters without falling, only to die of a cold at work.

Game over. Play again? Y/N.

(Distributed by Scripps Howard News Service, http://www.scrippsnews.com)

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