To teach a man to fish is to feed him for a lifetime. To teach a 6-year-old boy to fish is pretty much nuts.
Cartoons, movies and video games target younger audiences every year. So to teach a child anything that children of another time enjoyed, you've got to get them early. Six years is pushing it, but with patience and a few tricks, you might just reel one in.
First, convince the child that fishing is a traditional summer pastime and enough fun to warrant stepping away from the video-game system for a half hour. When this inevitably fails, disconnect the system and promise to reconnect it after 30 minutes of fishing.
Load the car with the necessary line and tackle and lure the child carefully into his age-approved car seat. This may be accomplished with such proven bait as "Pokey-Man" cards, handheld gaming systems and snacks with enough artificial cheese-dust for a CSI investigation.
If your river or lake is more than an hour away, be sure to stock the car with a portable DVD player, lest the child focus his varied attentions elsewhere, such as on the back of your seat or the quickly expanding bald spot on the crown of your head -- an obvious target for cheese-powdered snacks.
Upon arrival, find a prime fishing location beyond whining distance from other, more serious, fishing persons. If fishing from a boat, ensure that the proper sunscreens and personal floatation devices are administered. If fishing from shore, monitor escape routes closely.
Hand the child his fishing rod. Do not turn away from the child at any moment thereafter, lest he create a knot worthy of Herculean legend. Given enough time, the child will snarl and tangle not only the pole and lure, but himself, any nearby vegetation, and possibly a squirrel.
Place a weight, but (and this is important) no hook, at the end of the line, and teach the child to cast. If this step is skipped, remove the hook from your eyelid, and begin again.
Now, reveal the bait. First-time fishing, without question, should involve live bait -- preferably large, juicy night crawlers. If the child is excited by gooey worm innards, let him carefully bait the hook himself. (If he is not, put the worms away and retrieve the child from the roof of the car. Once you have returned to the lake, carefully bait your child's hook with a ball of whole-wheat multi-grain bread.)
Cast your reel and wait. This will, without doubt, be the single most difficult aspect of the entire fishing enterprise.
The modern 6-year-old boy cannot hold still for anything that does not award him coins, points or extra lives. But these moments of stifling boredom teach a valuable lesson: Patience is sometimes rewarded with a slimy writhing animal gasping for air and bleeding from the eye socket.
Once you have released the child's first fish and convinced the child to unlock the car and let you in, gather your gear and head home. Rest soundly in the knowledge that the child will remember his experience through adulthood, and will likely be able to recount every detail for his therapist.
If you'd like, stop and reward the child with his favorite fast-food meal. Avoid the fish sandwich.
(Ben Grabow writes for the young, the urban and the easily amused. Contact him at thinlyread(at)gmail.com.)
(Distributed by Scripps Howard News Service, http://www.scrippsnews.com)
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