ShareThisAllow me to spin a short yarn about bad holiday presents. It was just two years ago on a warm winter's day here in Tampa Bay when a mysterious delivery arrived on the doorstep of my abode.
Inside it was a long box, smothered in Christmas wrapping with a card: "Merry Christmas, you lush! Hope you enjoy it ..." I tore open the present to reveal the surprise: a rocket-shaped beer dispenser.
I'm not gonna lie to you; I hated it from the start. Just like Dos Equis brewery's Most Interesting Man in the World, I don't drink beer often. But when I do, I don't drink it out of a leaky, plastic toy that won't fit in the fridge.
In the spirit of the season -- and badly needing a kitschy house decoration that my cat couldn't break -- I kept it anyway. Over time, it has become a symbol of joyousness, of hearth and home, and, of course, a symbol of being very cheap.
Moral to the story: Buying a caring, thoughtful holiday present is easy. Buying a monumentally stupid one ... that's an art, my friends. So here I present the top five silly present ideas for 2010:
1. THE NUDIST TEDDY BEAR: The acclaimed Vermont Teddy Bear Co. has a new "Birthday Suit Bear" this season. This uninhibited little fellow wears a removable "bear skin" suit and comes with "I Love Skinny-Dipping" temporary tattoos and the next three copies of The Bulletin, the official publication of the American Association for Nude Recreation. ($79.99, vermontteddybear.com)
2. GARMENT BODY BAG: What's more shocking: That the L.A. County's Coroner's office has an online gift shop? Or that the gift shop sells luggage that resembles a body bag? This gift idea barely gets the nod over the "My First Skeleton" play set. And you thought the TSA was overzealous about frisking you before the winter holidays. ($20, lacoroner.com)
3. TATTOOS FOR THE ELDERLY: First of all, I don't like to say "elderly." I prefer the term "Facebook-challenged." Still, there's something old-school about this gift that brings a smile to my soon-to-be wrinkled face, especially the temporary tat with a scooter that simply reads "Born to Ride." ($4.99, perpetualkid.com)
4. THE PILLOW TIE: The only tie Dad will ever love. Everyone will be fooled by the silk blend and stylish designs on front. But simply access the inflate valve hidden on the back of the tie, gently inflate the secret pillow, and it's naptime. One size fits all and it supports a 25-pound head! ($19.95, pillowtie.com)
5. HOT GUYS WITH BABY ANIMALS 2011 CALENDAR: Santa Claus is comin' to town. But Ol' Saint Chubby can't hold a candle to Santos, a buffed-up, bare-chested lothario holding a cuddly little lamb. Also available as greeting cards. Mistletoe not included. ($14.99, hotguysandbabyanimals.com)
(smspears(at)sptimes.com)
(Distributed by Scripps Howard News Service www.scrippsnews.com)
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