No, Not the McCartneys??

ARRRRGH! Now the McCartneys?

I remember that great scene in "When Harry Met Sally." Harry describes to Sally some wild sexual fantasy he's had fulfilled in a dream. Then he asks Sally, his girl "friend" to describe her dream life. She says she has the same sexual dream all the time: She starts describing the scene and says something along the lines of "and then I just ripped off my clothes." Harry says. . . "yeah, yeah, and then?" She responds - that's it - it never gets any farther.

Harry is bummed.

When I was 14, here was my romantic (sorta sexual) fantasy: I would be at a Paul McCartney concert. He would see me in the audience, think I was fabulously cute (and they say young girls have crises of self-esteem) and invite me up to his room after the concert. At which point, we would end up. . . snuggling, fully clothed.

That's it. That was my wild fantasy. It never went any further. I mean, he was married to Linda, after all.

But I did love him.

And I loved the fact that he and Linda were married so faithfully and for so long until she died of breast cancer. So I am very saddened to hear of his impending break-up with Heather Mills. Especially so considering there is a two-year-old child involved. They profess the split is amicable, and that they are still really close.

If that's true, they should be ashamed of themselves for getting divorced.

I mean, "amicable" is a darn site more than a lot of couples have in marriage. If they stick it out, they might get to where the vast majority, yes the vast majority of marriages get 5 years after they hit a "miserable" point: to "very good or excellent" self-description of their marriage, according to Maggie Gallagher's outstanding book, "The Case for Marriage." On the other hand, if someone was really at fault, they owe us an explanation.

Here's why: Marriage, and marriage break-ups, are not private. every marriage is about more, and is more important than, the two people involved. It is a public contract, an open declaration of purpose made before witnesses. It affects everyone the union touches. And it should. It's the building block of civilization.

As one philosopher said, "it's not love that makes the marriage - it's marriage that makes the love." Love is a choice, and it's in the doing.

The McCartneys had a responsibility to the millions of people who follow them in any way. They had the same responsibility that the people down the street have, only more so. They had a responsibility to be true to their marriage vows, even when hard, even when they didn't "feel like it" at the moment. After all, if marriage vows are easy to keep - then there would be no point in making them. But they are made, and are made publicly, precisely for when the going gets tough and in the hope that they can help each other get to better times when the going is a whole lot easier.

You know what? In some marriages, it doesn't get easier, or not for a long time. Sometimes those can be the hardest, and the best, times -- because then we really learn it's "not all about us." Talk about stretching! That's the beauty of marriage. It forces us - or should - to be more "other" oriented. When we want out because the "other" is being hard at a time - we hurt ourselves! When we're being "hard" - don't we want our spouse to stretch for us? Isn't that the beauty of a faithful marriage? Being free to fail?

One or both of the McCartneys broke a promise. Their vows and their contract, according them honor from the public and the state for the institution they shared and enjoyed, including a certain amount of protection and status, was a very public thing. It should be. But that means there break-up isn't private, either. We deserve to know what hapenned precisely because marriage is a very public institution. Because it's always about more than just the two people involved.

If they really are amicable and care for each other, then they should be ashamed of themselves for splitting up. Deal with it. It's not all about you. Stay together precisely because it's not all about you. Work on getting to a better place. Let your little daughter know you worked through the hard times for her.

On the other hand, if one or the other of the McCartneys truly abandoned or single-handedly discarded the marriage against the wishes of the other, then we should know that to too. Then at least we would know the marriage was abandoned not. . . diffused.

This is no private affair. We have a right to hold the McCartneys, and the couple in every marriage, accountable for whether they keep their vows.

Paul is 63. I truly hope that somehow, this couple will rethink what they are doing, that they will look at their little daughter, and that it will be Heather who is loving Paul when he's 64.