ShareThis"To talk to someone who does not listen is enough to tense the devil." -- Pearl Bailey
-- A woman who used an online dating service met several men for coffee. She was stunned at how some of them spent a solid hour talking about themselves. Result: No second date. "Conversation," she said wryly, "does not come naturally to everyone." (The woman asked that her name not be used.)
-- A graduate student texted during class in violation of university policy. The teacher asked her to stop, but a few days later, she was at it again. Result: The teacher lowered her grade for poor participation.
-- A man visiting a family member at a hospice wandered into an employee's office while his loved one was getting a bath. When she asked how he was, he sat down and spoke for 45 minutes. Result: "You're good," he said, as he got up and left, feeling a little better.
"I did two things," said Claudia St. Clair, an art therapist at Hospice of Northwest Ohio. "I asked one question. And I listened without comment or interruption until he was finished. He didn't need the benefit of my wisdom. He needed someone to listen."
Listening is essential to human connection and communication. We've been doing it for thousands of years, but have yet to master it.
"Probably the vast majority of people don't listen very effectively. Really, listening involves being willing to be engaged; shutting off your mind, not having an agenda, but being willing to create a space for the other person to have their thoughts and feelings," said Carrie Roberts, a counselor at Symmetry Wellness in Toledo, Ohio.
About 40 percent to 50 percent of our day is spent listening, said Nan Johnson-Curiskis, executive director of the International Listening Association.
"You can't learn anything else when you're speaking. That includes the play-by-play in your head about what you're going to say next," she said.
Health care, law enforcement, retail, clerical, politics, customer service, food service, teaching, sales, management, the courts and ministry -- these are among the many areas for which good listening is invaluable. Doctors can be among the worst listeners, she said, because they're rushed.
We do not listen well when we're uninterested, distracted, preoccupied (focused on something else, unwell, hungry), or when we're planning a response that we'll deliver when the speaker takes a breath.
There's a lot that can impede the lending of one's ears, including technology. Who isn't irritated when the person we're talking to checks the phone, texts, keeps her eyes glued on the computer or television screen or puts us on hold while she clicks into call waiting.
There are different listening styles: obtaining facts, learning how to do something, feeling connected to people.
It's long been known that women and men listen differently, said Johnson-Curiskis. For instance: A man returns from a visit to his elderly mother and his wife asks, "How's your mother?" "Fine," he says. The wife is likely to want more information.
A woman returns from visiting her elderly mother and her husband asks, "How's your mother?" She responds, "Pretty good, but she thinks she might be coming down with a cold. And the neighbor's dog is driving her crazy. Her sister Lucille's back in the hospital. Oh, and Mrs. Jones drove her to church Sunday because of the snow."
Women use more conversational "fillers" ("OK," "uh-huh") and facial cues to show they're listening. "Men are watching us do all this body language and they're thinking, 'Sit still and listen to me,' " Johnson-Curiskis said.
As a teacher for 30 years, Judy Gorun, a Realtor, knows that respect is inherent in paying attention to another.
"In order to help clients, you have to listen. And you have to feed off what they tell you," said Gorun of Holland, Ohio. Painful circumstances such as failed finances and marriages often drive the sale of a home. "I can't go in and say, 'Are you in a difficult place financially?' I ask what their goal is."
She took a test to determine her aptitude for selling real estate, and part of it was about listening ability.
"People think of themselves too much: while they should be listening, they're thinking about how to impress or make their point," said Gorun, who works for RE/MAX Preferred Associates. "In life you need to be much more aware, more considerate of people in so many ways. Listening is one of those ways."
It's useful for listeners to recognize their own feelings because the speaker might trigger a response that's unrelated to what's being said, said Ken Davis, a Toledo psychologist.
"We know about listening with our ears. We should also listen with our hearts in a kind, objective, nonjudgmental way," he said.
When discussions are complex or emotional, it helps to come up for air periodically and let the speaker know you understand by restating their key points, said Michael Gilbert, former president of the International Listening Association and professor of educational leadership at Central Michigan University. (He was the teacher who lowered the student's grade in one of the opening examples.) Gilbert suggests questions such as, "This is what I'm hearing," or "Do I understand that you're saying ...?"
"Respond to correct or clarify," Gilbert said.
Sometimes, it's important to simply listen to someone you care about. He has a close relationship with his 94-year-old aunt who lives alone. His phone calls are an important social visit for her. "On the phone, I just let her talk," he said.
Joan Fothergill is a spiritual director in private practice and teaches a program called Spiritual Companioning in which deep listening is key.
"It's so important that our voice is heard in the world," she said. "When someone is really being listened to, it changes everything. It opens them up in every avenue that you can live in. It's almost as essential as exercise."
(Contact Tahree Lane at tlane(at)theblade.com. For more stories, visit scrippsnews.com.)
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