ShareThisIt's not every day a woman gets to observe a bunch of guys learning how to develop significant relationships with women. But that's exactly what I was allowed to watch a few weeks ago.
The men gathered in a "boot camp" led by Dr. Paul Dobransky, 42. "Dr. Paul" is a practicing psychiatrist in Chicago who has a special interest in relationships and what makes men and women tick. These guys were learning how to approach a woman and understand her signals, what's important to her, how to court her and how to choose the right woman for a long-term commitment.
The boot camp, which Paul and his staff conduct about once month, comes with a price tag: $1,800 apiece. Seriously.
So, these must have been socially inept nerds, right? No. Here's what so surprised me as I met the men in a Chicago restaurant, and listened to them talk: the four gathered for this session were all nice-looking, intelligent, sociable, professional fellows. They ranged in age from late 20s to early 40s.
To paraphrase a lament from the "Sex and the City" girls, "everyone knows a million great single gals -- but no one knows a million great single guys." So with the deck so stacked in their favor, why in the world is any guy shelling out big bucks for this class?
Well, here's what the "students" told me: They don't think the deck is stacked in their favor at all. Yes, they agreed, there are lots of single women out there; and yes, they are typically sexually available. But, what these guys so want, and what they assured me their (honest) friends also admit to wanting, is to find a woman who really believes in her man. Who respects him, looks up to him, cares about his work and knows how much of his identity he's built to derive from it. A woman who thinks he can do anything. That, they agreed, is so crucial. And so rare.
That was my biggest takeaway, and something Paul says he hears all the time. Yes, his is a self-selecting group, but it makes sense to me. Relationships today are so geared to a woman's needs -- is he sensitive, does he understand her, does he take care of the kids and listen to her feelings.
Of course, women should be treated well. But in our dialogue on relationships today, there seems to be very little interest in a man's needs.
I've seen lots of advice in the popular culture, for example, about dealing with the "callous" husband who doesn't do enough housework or child care even when he works full time and she is home full or part time. But I can't recall the reverse -- an instance when such a wife was advised to learn about her husband's work and how important it is to him, and to regularly let him know how much she admires him for laboring so hard to support their family.
I've often whined about this trend, which manifests itself in so many ways. It's what I call the feminization of the culture. Paul says it also has to do with the way men are built. He notes that, unlike women, it's typically difficult for men to ask for a need to be met, including "I need you to respect and honor me."
So, Paul said it's not surprising that when a man in our culture finds a woman he is attracted to and who admires him as a man, he typically feels he's found a gem. A rare one.
Anyway, after a few hours, I left the guys to continue with their "studies." I newly appreciated that the numbers don't tell the whole story, that men don't have it so easy after all and that no matter how we distill it down, relationships between men and women will always be wonderfully challenging and mysterious.
And, by the way, Paul also teaches classes for women, including skills for discovering that right guy. I think maybe I'll see if I can drop in on that one next time.
For more information, visit www.doctorpaul.net.
(Betsy Hart is the author of "It Takes a Parent: How the Culture of Pushover Parenting is Hurting our Kids -- And What to do About It" (Putnam Books). Reach her through hartmailbox-mycolumn(at)yahoo.com. For more stories, visit scrippsnews.com.)
FROM THE HART
Hi, Betsy. Nice article here.
Hi, Betsy. Nice article here. My feeling is that men will have more success finding the woman of their dreams as described in this article when they stop searching for her in bars and clubs--they are more likely to find feminists and very short "romances." Everything you have written here to describe the gal men are looking for exists, but we learned this from the Bible--in Sunday school and in Church, as well as mentored by more mature Christian women on how to be virtuous, lovers of our homes and families and respectful of our husbands (The Bible does say specifically that women are to respect their husbands--and husbands are to love their wives.)And they will not find us in bars and clubs. We are also developing our feminine nature by reading magazines like Southern Lady and Victoria, not Cosmo and its type. Obviously not a feminist here, and do not find anything sexy at all about a man pushing a vacuum cleaner--there is an image I do not need in my head. On the other hand, respecting and honoring a man is a whole lot easier when he already has those important attributes of his character--not lying, being abusive, or using dishonorable, manipulative "player" type tactics like excluding her or "killing her dreams" that men are learning to do. Respect is a two-way street, and an honorable, truly mature man knows how to communicate appropriately. Like attracts like. Thanks for writing the article, Betsy. Really nice job.
killing her dreams
Someone's been perusing the dr paul website and listening to his sample audio clip with harvard player paul janka in the brothers product. I get what your saying, and take it me from a first hand experience the folks that tend to learn from this yuppie guy and model are yuppies and learning to be even more yuppier by his idiotic recommendations to his men to watch entire box sets of sex in the city. This guy teaches his whipped boys to have high character but these herbs are then directed to open chicks in swanky bars in joints where there's middle age men and barely legal or busty milf women congregate. And they seem to be told to wear the pick up uniform of dressing younger and wearing cocky clothing to stand out like the twenty year old diluded pick up artists. They stand around not doing anything in more younger crowd bars. Youre right, these guys should read the bible and try and pick up chicks like you, a real women and then they can learn to be real men when they hook up with you and grow back some testicles.
Hmm. My comment was not
Hmm.
My comment was not about Dr.Paul-bashing. In his defense, I actually own two of his books and the men's version of his KWML program. All great works.
I also have much respect for the gentleman who runs his fashion program, a high-character man who has experience in the fashion and image industry for many years and knows what he is talking about when men come to him for fashion & image advice; I would feel very comfortable recommending people to him.
I am sorry to hear you did not have a good experience in this particular self-help world. I feel confident that Dr.Paul realizes that not everyone is going to resonate with his methods and will go elsewhere. People whom I know who also do not agree with everything he may say, also agree wholeheartedly that his programs, teaching and forums are very helpful to people, as well as been helpful to them personally. People are not going to agree with everything I say either. That's OK.
Dr.Paul also teaches men (and women) to seek out other venues to meet people other than bars and clubs. While I do not agree personally with finding a life partner in a bar or club, I do understand Dr.Paul's use of these places for teaching purposes as they are the most readily accessible, socially active places full of people on whom to practice newly acquired social skills.
The point in my response to Betsy Hart's article was to share only my personal feminine viewpoint on the particular problem Ms.Hart has addressed. Many other women I am certain do feel differently. Knowing women as I do, men have already found that when she had no trouble saying yes to sex before the marriage, they often find out that she has no trouble refusing him after the marriage. Women may also (when they start finding out this is what men want) have no problem showing men how much they support their mission before they secure that marriage, will often find out she really doesn't support him--that's when the nagging starts. I am leaving out "committment" as in living together as if you are actually committed, because women really do know the difference. Perhaps this is why statistically living together before marriage actually has a higher failure rate and divorce after people tie the knot than among those who just go ahead and get married first.
Looking for a life partner who is healthy, psychologically well-integrated, high character and high moral values, I personally would never go looking for a man in a bar or club. Some things that men are learning about how to relate to women will only cause them to lose the respect they so hopefully think they will gain. I would recommend the same for a man who is looking for a "true wife."
Dr.Paul has materials and programs, including the bootcamps, that can get people off to a great start, the rest is up to them how high they want to develop their characters.