ShareThisWould you date a fellow who owned a cat? How about a man who used the word "brewski" for beer, or painted his face for a sporting event?
It turns out such things make an "undesirable," according to the authors of the hot new book, "Undateable: 311 Things Guys do That Guarantee They Won't Be Dating or Having Sex" (Villard Books, 2010). Recently featured on "Oprah Winfrey," and the basis for a show, "Undateable," that just aired on VH1, authors Ellen Rakieten and Anne Coyle provide a handy little guide for men on what NOT to wear, say, do or be if they want to get a gal. The writers surveyed hundreds of women to come up with their list.
Perhaps because I'm divorced, I have heard such lists over and over. In fact, when a woman starts a sentence with "I want a man who ...," you know you're likely going to be sitting there for a long time. Men may claim to have "undateable" lists, too. But, generally, if she's kind to him, supportive and wants to have sex a lot (which should be saved for marriage -- different column), he's happy. OK, he wants her to be cute, too.
A woman's list is typically so much longer.
I think -- I hope -- "Undateable" is somewhat tongue-in-cheek. But as they say, many a truth is spoken in jest. So, as someone who has dated several very different, very lovely men over the past few years, my own suggestion is generally ... just lighten up, ladies.
You'll be so much happier if you focus on the heart.
In my own case, he has to share my core values, which means being a committed Christian, and that alone covers many bases. Yes, after the basics, we all hope for certain other qualities. Humor is big with me. However, I really believe most women would be happier if they made more of an effort to rule him in instead of being so quick to rule him out.
I think it's wise to start with: "Would I want my daughters dating someone like him?" In other words, who cares if he wears Crocs with socks or puts hand sanitizer on before eating (more "undateable" qualities from the authors)? Is he attentive and kind, and does he want to make a woman feel special?
Even here, be careful. I believe that "love is in the doing," as Scripture teaches, but those efforts will look different in different men. So forget our culture's obsession with what I call "romantic pornography" -- i.e., all good men do not act like Patrick Dempsey's character in "Enchanted." Try to find and encourage the good that is there -- however awkwardly it might occasionally be expressed -- and not bemoan what isn't. Double that effort after marriage.
By the way, how about asking yourself how much you focus on him, and making him feel special? The answer should be "a lot."
Ladies, you may still decide that the man with the wonderful heart isn't a good match for you because of life goals, timing, views on children, just plain chemistry or something else. But if you put aside dopey, preconceived lists, you will be more able to focus on what really matters.
I've learned a lot over the years. And I hope I've grown up a bit, too. So I'm happy to share that a former beau -- I'm too old now to have "boyfriends" -- would frequently tell me that he was happy that he could so easily make me, well, happy.
Which I suppose begs the question of why I, a committed short-lister, am still single. Well, all I can say is that someday, if I have the answers -- or, better yet, if the question changes -- that's one column I'd be very happy to write.
(Betsy Hart is the author of "It Takes a Parent: How the Culture of Pushover Parenting is Hurting our Kids -- And What to do About It" (Putnam Books). Reach her through hartmailbox-mycolumn(at)yahoo.com. For more stories, visit scrippsnews.com.)
FROM THE HART
Hello Betsy.
I read your column about this "Undateable" stuff, I agree what you wrote on the article "Lighten up, forget Undateable restrictions". The women who wrote that book thinks that men do or enjoy is completely undateable; just because some or most men do the handshakes or wear capri shorts or going to conventions(Star Wars, Anime,and Comic-Con) doesn't make them Undateable. The only thing that makes a man undateable is how they treat women badly. The women have Undateable flaws, but they don't want to write about it, but if they do, I hope they find a lot of sources on what makes a woman Undateable(I know some).
Interesting Observations. Keep on it
Great article. (Hope you remember me from the "Third Generation" era of ancient history.) It may be self-serving to say that as a man, without assuring that the same guidelines should apply in both directions.
When men and women have to choose between many options to decide which one to marry, this can be badly confused with thinking that the function and purpose of romance is to please oneself. It becomes a habit to ask "Which man should I choose to be with?" and that habit of centering on personal desires replaces a mutual relationship that is mutually pleasing and selfless.
A woman may have to decide which one of 12 different men she might be with. She would focus on only one of them to make happy in a mutual relationship. The focus on which one she wants to choose may make her role in making HIM happy fade into the background, and become lost entirely. Thinking about which one would make HER happy can distort the entire picture.
And of course the same could be said for men.
It may not be a major point, but I was intrigued by your provocative concept of "romantic pornography." I hope you develop the theme further. I think that male-female roles are badly distorted by Disney fairy tales (along with many other factors). For example, a beautiful woman is completely minding her own business, making no effort to search for a suitable husband, when the Knight in Shiming Armor drops out of nowhere, requiring absolutely no effort whatsoever. There is one and only one choice, who is overwhelmingly obvious. The Knight is perfect in every way -- not a work in progress as all people truly are.
The lesson is that love should take no effort whatsoever. A woman can be completely passive, and it all should be handed to her on a silver platter. Indeed, a relationship that requires "work" must be "WRONG" somehow, and he is probably not "the one."
A related concept to the above and to your column as a whole is the idea of a woman being able to tell in the first 0.0001 seconds if a man is "dateable" or the "right" one. Obviously, that is the whole idea of "undateable" that you are pinpointing.
If you think about that, it is fairly absurd.
Women on the one hand pretend to value a deep, meaningful relationship. On the other hand, most women are absolutely convinced that they have intuitions that can instantly tell them who a guy is and whether he is good or "right."
You cannot say that you value a deep, meaningful relationship and then imagine that you can tell in the first three nano-seconds who someone "really" is as a person.
Women don't want to be judged (only) on their appearance in a bikini. Yet they are just as quick to judge men on equally superficial factors.
It is no more acceptable for a woman to be superficial than for a man to be superficial.
The 'undateable' man...
I read your article in the Easy section of this Thursday's Chicago Sun-Times, and I just want to say thank you! Coming from an 'undateable' guy who doesn't fall into any of the characteristics found referenced in the book (well, at least I like to think that I don't!), I found your article very informative and heart-warming. Keep up the good work, and you may find me popping-in every so often... Thanks again...