ShareThisLet's do things a little differently today. Let's tell you how to look ugly.
This is imperative information if you plan to attend an Ugly Sweater Party for the holidays.
Don't think you can get away with a few tasteful glitter snowflakes dusting your shoulders. We want your holiday sweater to burn our corneas, to invade our dreamscape in the dark of night, to make us cry icicles.
Study hard, children, and you just may win the biggest Christmas gift of all. Mom will be so proud.
Think 3-D
Anything that physically juts away from the fabric of your sweater is an instant point booster. Puff balls are good. So are bows. Squiggly eyeballs on Santa? Yes, please. Pinecones are so scratchy they might earn your date a trip to the hospital. But they also might earn you ugly-sweater glory.
Get baggy
Let's be honest. You know the party will be full of girls trying to sexy up their ugly sweaters. I envision lots of child-sized sweaters and skintight Mrs. Claus lingerie. That might get you a free Grey Goose martini from a creeper, but it won't score you ugly-sweater points. The frumpier, the better.
Lights and sound
True sweater aficionados will take things to a new level of sensory assault. Consider a string of blinking Christmas lights (see also the 3-D category -- DOUBLE points!). How about a strobe belly snow globe? Or make your sweater play holiday music by shoving an iPod into lands unknown.
Creepy takes all
You know how certain Christmas decorations are supposed to be cute, but unintentionally haunt you to your core? My mom once had a Santa wreath that I swore was possessed by Satan. Look for reindeers with beady eyes, elves that look like Benjamin Button and snowmen with a taste for revenge.
Be authentic
The best (by which we mean "ugliest") holiday sweaters were once worn without a trace of irony. Check thrift stores for atrocious gems from the 1980s.
(shays(at)sptimes.com.)
(Distributed by Scripps Howard News Service www.scrippsnews.com)
Must credit St. Petersburg Times
