Keeping barely one eye on the sports world during a weeklong staycation can trigger some unconventional conclusions, like the one I came upon in light of stunning upset of Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps last week by an unheralded German in a polyurethane suit:
Clearly, its time that big-time swimming get its act together -- just have everyone swim naked.
C'mon, it's time.
It's not like anyone's really watching it anyway. In fact, if swimming adopts this policy, I anticipate ratings will spike.
I'm not calling for the formation of the U.S. Olympic Skinny Dipping Team because that would be stupid and prurient, and likely make someone who knows how to market it $100 million dollars. I'm just saying that high-level competitive swimming should be contested exclusively among the naked. It is completely practical -- no more equipment controversies. No one will question any competitor's swimsuit in the Birthday Suit Era.
Nothing will be seen that is not already available to cable subscribers 24/7, and no matter what gets seen, no one will be as embarrassed as Bob Bowman, Phelps' coach, who wound up complaining bitterly about the escalation in swimsuit technology the very minute it stopped favoring his swimmer.
Everyone including Paul Biedermann seemed to agree that Phelps only lost to Paul Biedermann because Paul Biedermann was wearing polyurethane. But it was Phelps' Speedo LZR suit, was it not, that helped put the suit-wars technology into overdrive. Just because the polyurethane suit happens to be equipped with a small outboard motor, I mean, what's with all the whining?
Institute naked swimming, and this all goes away.
Of course, without the swimsuit issue to explain the collapse of so many swim records recently, some analysts might be forced to sniff for pharmaceuticals again, and I'm sure that couldn't be it.
(Contact Gene Collier at gcollier(at)post-gazette.com.)
(Distributed by Scripps Howard News Service, www.scrippsnews.com.)
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