By REG HENRY, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette

I am sorry to burden you, but this is fair notice that I will be sending out morality/patriotism questionnaires to all my friends. I do not want to be blindsided in the future and accused of guilt by association, which is the trendy thing this presidential campaign season.

We interrupt this global financial crisis for a news bulletin that is more important, at least to me: My daughter is getting married.

On behalf of the National Society for Creative Irresponsibility, of which I am a charter member, I wish to congratulate the Bush administration for the projected $700 billion bailout of the Wall Street wheeler-dealer community.

As a change of pace, today's column will adopt a more even-handed approach to the coming presidential election.Instead of criticizing just one camp, I will try to spread the love around concerning the trademark candidacies of Republicans John McCain ("Yesterday's Man for Tomorrow's Problems") and Sarah Palin ("A Moose in Every Pot").

You are probably wondering how you too can join in the veneration of Saint Sarah Palin, who in a very short time has attracted a large and faithful following.Admittedly, she has not been officially beatified, but miracles have been reported across the country.

Since John McCain announced his wild and crazy choice of Sarah Palin to be his running mate in the presidential election, wild and crazy stuff has been coming out about her.I am not going to do the Democrats' work by repeating it all here, but Americans shouldn't go thinking that John McCain's staff didn't thoroughly vet her beforehand.

Because the national focus is on Denver, where the Democratic National Convention is poised to make Barack Obama the party's nominee for president, it is only fair to give John McCain some equal time.Sen. McCain, the presumptive Republican nominee, has lately been the subject of some unfair criticism that demands a more vigorous rebuttal.

With the Democratic Convention starting in Denver next week, it is a timely moment to suggest to Barack Obama and other party luminaries on how they can best avoid criticism by the right-wing propaganda machine.My advice is: Stay home. Stay in bed (not with anyone named Rielle). Pull the covers over your head. Don't say anything. I think that should do it.

Michael Savage, whose last name incorporates the concept of truth in advertising, recently went on a rant against autistic children, apparently because other innocents were not readily available to vilify that day. He called autism a "fraud, a racket."

My mother had a deft way of turning away those well-meaning folks -- Jehovah's Witnesses? Mormons? -- that came to our front door to convert our family to their faith."We have our own religion, thank you!" she would say, while closing the door quickly to avoid further interrogation.