By MARK PATINKIN, The Providence Journal

I'm in the news industry, not the charity business, but recent events have so touched my heart that I am launching a new relief effort, and this newspaper has been kind enough to print my brochure:
It's easy in these difficult times to feel we can't afford to help those facing financial desperation, but for a small sacrifice, you can make a big difference.

I like bawdy humor, so I'm surprised at my reaction to some of Sunday's racier Super Bowl ads.
I thought they were out of line.

Most people who live in New England like to escape to places like Florida in the winter.
Then there are the few who, in the face of freezing weather, become irrational. They go to where it's even colder.
These people are commonly referred to as "skiers."
There is a subspecies that is even odder. They ski when it's below zero.

It has become clear you can't hide much at a Senate hearing. Last week, they discovered Barack Obama's Treasury nominee had failed to pay past self-employment taxes and, earlier, they caught Detroit's auto CEOs flying to town on private jets to ask for bailout money. It got me thinking what I'd face if I got vetted by the confirmation machine:

Thoughts at large:
-- Does it mean I'm getting old that one of my generation's sex symbols, Raquel Welch, is now modeling magnifier reading glasses?
-- Make fun of it all you want, but as a fellow 50-something, I for one am jealous of Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich's hair.

New Year's Resolutions based on last year's news:
-- When in Vegas, I will not retrieve my memorabilia at gunpoint.
-- If I become a high-profile New York Yankee trying to keep a low profile during a marriage crisis, I will not date Madonna.

Now that Barack Obama has picked his secretaries of State and Defense, it's time to focus on a post even more central to projecting American authority.
The White House dog.
I was relieved to see Obama has gone on record against such a breed as Pomeranian. During an interview that touched on the subject, Barbara Walters suggested he consider a Havanese.

We are supposed to feel sorry for the people wiped out in the Bernard Madoff scandal.
I do feel for some - like the old folks in Florida who lost their nest eggs and the charities who had their endowments wiped out.
I will tell you whom I don't feel sorry for: Those who, in terms of dollars, are the most catastrophic victims.

There's a new book out called "How to Talk to Girls." This is a worthy subject, but one aspect of it upsets me. It was written by a 9-year-old. The reason this upsets me is the book rose to 30 on Amazon.com's Top 100 list -- ahead of Toni Morrison's new hit novel and a best-selling biography of Warren Buffet.

I clicked onto AOL and came across the latest thing:
The video version of home-improvement tips.