By BEN GRABOW, Scripps Howard News Service

There is no way I am paying $500 for a lawn mower.
As a new homeowner, I have quickly become aware of the many hidden costs that go into buying a home. Once the big purchase is made, there are dozens of smaller purchases that suddenly present themselves.

Thank you for your SVEN flat-packed Scandinavian furniture purchase. Please follow these simple instructions very carefully to ensure a satisfactory result.
Please note that SVEN cannot be held responsible for fire, dismemberment or marital strain incurred by the disregard of these instructions.

One way or another, people eventually find out you used to be a Boy Scout.
Maybe you show a preternatural ability for complicated knots. Or maybe you can't resist the urge to Do a Good Turn Daily. But once people find out, if they have any knowledge of the scouting enterprise, they'll always have the same question. Everyone wants to know if you earned your Eagle.

I have a confession to make, so brace yourself. It isn't pretty.
I don't have cable.
There, I said it. It's finally out there. Now, please, let me explain.
I do have cable, but it's not really cable. You tell people you have cable anymore and they assume it's 100 channels in high definition, with Digital Video Recording and a dish on the roof.

I hesitate to write this column because of kiddie karma.
If I write this column, I am destined to suffer my cosmic child-rearing comeuppance. I know it as surely as I know that night follows day. But I can't help myself. I have to speak up.
This mommy blogging has got to stop.

Hello and welcome back to "The Actual Bachelor," the show in which 10 lovely young ladies compete for the affections of a genuine unmarried man.

We've calculated your mortgage rate based on your credit score and debt-to-income ratio. If you'd like to lock this rate in now, go ahead and sign here.

The sun shines brightly over an open rock quarry. A cool breeze tosses fine dust through the air. A steel-reinforced, lifted and heavily modified Jeep rolls end-over-end and comes to rest upside-down, wheels still spinning.
It's springtime in America, and the rock crawlers have crawled out from under their rocks.

Congratulations, future homeowner! All that stands between your contract and your closing is a simple satisfactory inspection.

It's a disturbing trend in newsrooms across the nation: Journalists like to write trend stories.