By BEN GRABOW, Scripps Howard News Service

Welcome to "House Quest," the real-life text-based adventure game. Press "return" to begin.

You are sitting in the kitchen. You see a pile of unwashed laundry, a pile of unwashed dishes and a television. The gutters also need cleaning. Obvious exits are south, east and west.

Turn on television.

I think I chose the wrong career.

There are thousands of business books out there, strategies to get you hired, keep you employed, manage your associates and close the deal. It's a tremendous industry, one I would love to join. Unfortunately, my idea for a corporate strategy guide would be a pretty hard sell.

Home improvement gives value to a house and a sense of satisfaction to its owners. But home improvement isn't cheap.

Though money may be tight, this is still the best time to repair and upgrade your home. A few of these cost-conscious repairs will cost little or nothing at all, besides a health insurance co-payment.

I've always wanted to be a morning person.

Well, that's not entire true. I've never wanted to be one of those people who are happy and chipper at ungodly hours of the morning. I don't think I'd wish that on anyone. No, I've only ever wanted to be consistently awake, pre-dawn, without feeling completely miserable for the rest of the day.

So you're getting a new kitten. And your current cat doesn't know it yet.

This should go well.

Nobody wants you to get a dog the way a dog owner wants you to get a dog.

If you express the slightest interest in dog ownership around someone who owns a dog, you can bet your bottom biscuit they'll offer encouragement for your inclinations. And when I say encouragement, I mean full-on canine evangelism.

For most of her life, my wife believed that your skill as a cook depended entirely on the quality of your mother's recipe book.

There are few things more professionally satisfying than taking a business call in spandex.

After a hiatus of two or three years, I have recently begun to bike to work again. My motivation is not environmental (I typically take the bus) nor is it financial (with a monthly pass, I pay whether I ride or not). I'm not even in it for the exercise.

To teach a man to fish is to feed him for a lifetime. To teach a 6-year-old boy to fish is pretty much nuts.
Cartoons, movies and video games target younger audiences every year. So to teach a child anything that children of another time enjoyed, you've got to get them early. Six years is pushing it, but with patience and a few tricks, you might just reel one in.

There has been much ado in the media about the online communication phenomenon that is Twitter. It's a lot of talk about something that's supposed to happen in 142 characters or less.